The Purpose of the Blog
All of my other blogs have been written for other people, in order to share knowledge that I’ve acquired through research and found personally helpful in order to hopefully prevent readers from suffering the way I did.
This article, however, is more “real time.” I’ve been triggered . I’m having issues, and I’m desperately trying to figure out what the heck is going on, and more importantly, how to calm down.
Based on how I’m feeling, I did a general search which led me to Emotional Dysregulation. It seemed to fit, so I started researching, but in my quest to learn more about it, 99% of what I found was either scholarly articles or bullet points which I didn’t find particularly helpful.
This is what I wanted to know:
What does emotional dysregulation feel like? (so I can determine whether or not it’s the same way I’m feeling).
Is this really what’s going on with me? (Can I relate?)
How does it develop exactly? (Does this coincide with my past experiences?)
And most importantly,
What the heck can I do about it? (because it freaking sucks and is ruining my life!!”)
Just in case you’re in the same boat, I thought I’d share as I learn so you don’t have to do all of the frustrating research.
This is What I Found:
Knowing the ins and outs of Emotional Dysregulation can be not only immensely helpful, but life saving. There’s something about knowing there’s a reason for what we’re experiencing and that we’re not alone that offers a tiny bit of hope. And during these episodes, hope is exactly what we need.
Before continuing to read….
My strong recommendation to you is to read this entire article, and allow it to do two things: 1. Help you to understand yourself 2. Validate that you’re not alone. THEN, SHIFT YOUR FOCUS TO MORE POSITIVE THINGS. Why? Because whatever you focus on, you create more of, and although this is an extremely important concept to understand, it’s simultaneously unpleasant and possibly triggering. We definitely don’t want to create more of it.
In this blog post we’re going to talk about several things relating to Emotional Dysregulation:
- What is Emotional Dysregulation?
- What does it stem from/what causes it?
- How does it present itself?
- What does it feel like when we experience it?
- Why is it important to regulate our emotions in a healthy way?
- How can we learn to regulate our emotions?
- How can someone live with and support a person who experiences Emotional Dysregulation?
1. What exactly IS Emotional Dysregulation?
According to WebMd, Emotional Dysregulation is “An emotional response that is poorly regulated and does not fall within the traditionally accepted range of emotional reaction,” says. Like many definitions, it doesn’t paint a very clear, all-encompassing picture. (My daughter and I call it a “freak out.”)
It might be easier to understand if we look at its opposite; Emotional Regulation.
Regulating our emotions requires three key elements:
- Awareness and acceptance of our emotions
- Ability to effectively manage and respond to an emotional experience
- Flexible use of appropriate strategies to regulate the intensity and duration of the emotional experience
When we have deficits in these areas, we’re considered to have “emotional dysregulation.” During a “freak out,” we’re pretty much out of our minds with emotion and don’t possess the three necessary elements. However, now that we know what we need, we can practice getting there from where we are when we’re in the middle of the chaos.
2. What does Emotional Dysregulation Stem From? What Causes It?
According to WebMd there are a few reasons why someone might develop emotional dysregulation:
- Early Childhood Trauma
- Childhood Neglect
- Traumatic Brain Injury
- Chronic Low Levels of Invalidation
It’s also associated with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), and Frontal Lobe Disorders (usually due to injury)
But how do these things result in an inability to regulate our emotions? Traumatic brain injury is easy enough to understand, but what about the others? *Note: I will be focusing on Neglect, Trauma, and Invalidation since I have no experience or knowledge regarding TBIs.
Read on and it will make more sense.
3. How does Emotional Dysregulation present itself?
Most of the time, there is a trigger. Sometimes we recognize it, and sometimes we don’t. If we do understand and recognize our triggers, we can prepare for them ahead of time and can quickly shift our thinking. But sometimes we don’t know our triggers, or they come at us out of the blue, without warning, and we don’t have time to think – only react. We’re instantly hit with feelings of fear/panic/fear/sadness, as if hit by a mack truck, leaving us feeling defenseless. Other times triggers can occur in our periphery and creep in unexpectedly. We start feeling uncomfortable, and then disturbing memories and thoughts start seeping into our minds.
Experts say that when we experience emotional dysregulation, there is a reduction in certain neurotransmitters’ ability to function as “emotional brakes,” causing us to remain in a prolonged “fight or flight” response. When this happens, the pre-frontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation — is essentially turned off during times of heightened stress. In other words, our brains shut down. Sufferers say – “I’m so mad I can’t think straight.” “I’m so sad I don’t care.” “I’m scared out of my mind.”
When someone is experiencing emotional dysregulation, they may have angry outbursts, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and other self-damaging behaviors. Over time, this condition may interfere with your quality of life, social interactions, and relationships at home, work, or school.
Symptoms of Emotional Dysregulation
4. What does Emotional Dysregulation feel like?
Knowing the symptoms above is helpful. However, it doesn’t explain WHY the symptoms exist, nor how they actually feel. Here are a few scenarios. See if you can relate.
Fear: Have you ever felt paralyzed by fearful thoughts, whether they’re rational or irrational? You’re frozen; “scared stiff.” In reality maybe you saw an image, heard a phrase, or smelled something that elicited an emotional reaction. There’s nothing actually threatening your life, however you couldn’t feel more afraid if you were dangling by a thread from the tallest skyscraper, or had a gun to your head. To the outside world you look normal, although maybe a little more quiet or less animated than usual, but inside, your heart is pounding, your hands are shaking, and your brain is a tornado of spinning, spiraling thoughts so overwhelming that you start looking for escape exits, and wish you could jump in a hole or lock yourself in a dark closet and never come out?
Anger: Or, have you ever been so mad, or so sad you don’t know how to handle it? So you either…
1. have a complete meltdown right away, or 2. because you’re afraid of showing your emotions, you stuff them down like greens in a pressure cooker until the pressure gets so intense you can’t contain it any more and you explode? During the simmering stage you ruminate. Your brain has certain thoughts and scenarios on repeat, and they play over and over and over. It’s as if somewhere deep down you believe that if you keep thinking about “it” you’ll come up with an answer; some type of resolution that makes sense of everything and makes you feel better. But there’s no good explanation, so a solution never comes.
In either case, these thoughts and feelings remain in your mind and gut swirling for days on end like a gila monster that chomps down hard and won’t let go until you either figure it out, get distracted, or become exhausted ruminating about it. If you don’t get it figured out, it will bubble up again later, guaranteed.
5. Why is it important to regulate your emotions in a healthy way?
If the above scenarios sound all too familiar, you might be experiencing Emotional Dysregulation.
These situations are compounded because you know you’re having reactions; thoughts and feelings, that are not only uncomfortable and distressing, but also seem different from those that most people around you appear to be having. This is further accentuated by not knowing how to handle the intense feelings, then judging ourselves not only for having them, but for not knowing how to control them. A downward spiral can occur very quickly. This is why it’s important to nip them in the bud and diffuse these emotions as quickly as possible.
So why is it important to regulate our emotions in a health way? The short answer is that it’s important, not only for our own mental and physical health and well-being, but that of our children. They learn how to regulate their own emotions, in part, by watching how we do it and modeling after us. Don’t worry! It’s never too late! I don’t say this to add pressure, just gentle motivation. Even if your children are already adults, chances are, they’re still watching you. And if they’re having issues of their own, you’re paving the way to freedom not only for yourself, but for them as well.
You’re also preventing further complications that arise from not keeping your emotions at bay. The fact that you’re reading this article shows that your health and the health of your kids is a priority to you, and you should be proud of yourself for every single step and accomplishment, no matter how big or small!
The root cause of your Emotional Dysregulation, whether it’s childhood trauma and/or neglect, etc. has most likely created other issues as well, such as feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, low self-esteem, anxiety, trust issues, an anxious attachment style, rumination, disassociation, fight/flight/fawn, etc.
As if Emotional Dysregulation isn’t a significant enough “weight” to make us feel as though we’re going to drown, the accompanying issues act as “sinkers,” causing us to descend faster and farther, and making it harder for us to come up for life saving air.
We need to address the root/weight AND the sinkers! Let’s look back at the symptoms, and make sense of them.
Severe depression and anxiety. If you suffered childhood neglect or trauma, it can result in depression and anxiety. Loving parents support their child and make them feel understood. They are compassionate towards their child’s emotions, and the child feels secure, believing that people are there to take care of them. When a child’s parents are NOT emotionally available, or are intermittently available, the child learns that nothing is guaranteed. The child grows up anxiously attached, longing for a relationship, but always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Feel free to read my blogs about Attachment Styles, and My Own Personal Attachment Story here:
Attachment Styles and How They Affect Our Adult Relationships
My Personal Attachment Style Story
Because my mother either ignored me or was jealous of me, laughed when I was sad or hurt, was hyper-critical, made negative comments about my appearance, etc. and nothing I did was ever good enough for her, I grew up with very poor self-esteem and little to no self-worth. I began stuffing my emotions down because I didn’t want to be laughed at for feeling a certain way, or make her upset or jealous. I tried hard to be perfect in order to please her, but of course that was impossible, and therefore I never felt good enough.
After a while I had no emotions about much of anything, or opinions either, because anything I felt or thought didn’t matter. I’d see people around me being upset and I felt nothing. I knew something wasn’t right. Sometimes I would have an emotion, and not understand why I was having it, or where it was coming from. Other times I’d experience a situation and not know how I was supposed to feel about it. Emotionally I was very confused to say the least.
Based on how I felt about myself, I drew people in that treated me the way I felt I deserved to be treated, in a way that felt familiar; people who took advantage of me, lied, cheated, manipulated; reinforcing my belief that I was worthless. I’m embarrassed to say this lasted until I was in my early 50s.
Now I did have some wonderful people in my life, thank God. But when you’re treated this way like I was by the people you’re supposed to be able to count on the most; your parents, your spouse – the damage is devastating. To trust anyone at this point was virtually impossible for me. And TRYING to trust someone can cause….you guessed it….anxiety, which can lead to depression because you wonder if you’ll ever be able to trust anyone (probably not) and therefore have to rely on yourself for everything, which is exhausting, not to mention lonely.
I’ve had periods of isolation in which I live in a controlled environment. My friends and family don’t recognize it, because I do go out and socialize with them. But I control WHO I’m with, what goes into my ears and eyes, control the TV shows I watch, and don’t let anyone unsafe into my bubble.
Shame and Anger
Imagine having all of those intense feelings, not understanding why you’re having them, feeling weak because you can’t control them, and feeling ashamed. Then feeling incredibly angry because you feel out of control. You may or may not realize it has something to do with your past, but if you do, you feel not only angry that you were mistreated, but a sense of grief that you missed out on having what could and should have been one of the greatest relationships life has to offer; a parent/child and/or a spousal relationship. Wow – that’s enough to make anyone feel anxious or depressed.
So, as you can see, childhood trauma and neglect can cause severe anxiety and depression which leads to Emotional Dysregulation, which leads to severe anxiety and depression. It’s a vicious cycle. Emotional Dysregulation is not only the result and a weight, but sits next to the to the other byproducts of the root as a sinker.
The rest of the causes listed above: self-harm, substance abuse, high risk sexual behavior, extreme perfectionism, interpersonal relationship conflicts, eating disorders, and suicidal thoughts or attempts, are all, in my opinion, also two-fold.
Childhood trauma/neglect, unless addressed by a professional, can last well into adulthood and cause significant feelings of lack of control and as already stated, anxiety and depression. All of these are extremely uncomfortable, and unless we learn healthy coping skills we attempt to punish ourselves, numb ourselves with substances, have unhealthy sexual relationships either out of desire for connection, lack of care for our bodies, or because of our acquired pleasing nature and fear of abandonment. We distract ourselves by focusing on being perfect, controlling what we can, which might be the amount of food we put into our mouths, how hard we work and how many hours we put in., how much plastic surgery we get. And when none of these get the results we desire; peace, authentic connection, and value, the world becomes a place of unending triggers, unpleasant feelings, lack of control, anxiety, depression, shame, anguish, suffering and self-hatred. It becomes so exhausting that we long for peace, and it seems that peace will only come when we cease to exist.
Suicide
When I was growing up, ”suicide” was one of those taboo words that NOBODY said. It just wasn’t talked about. Now, after COVID, mental health is a hot topic. Everywhere you turn there are commercials featuring celebrities sharing about their own struggles and recommending online counseling. We’re finally recognizing that our mental health is just as important, if not more important than our physical health, and it’s ok to talk about it.
People like you and me, who grew up in a dysfunctional environment in which our emotions were not validated, lack the tools to self-soothe properly. It’s not our fault! It’s important to know that. When our emotions are spiraling out of control and we don’t have the tools to calm ourselves down, it feels hopeless. Therefore, wishing we could go to sleep and never wake up makes sense! It’s our “go-to,” solution. And when we start thinking about it, it makes us sad that we’re at that point, which only compounds the situation.
This is all sounding pretty depressing and hopeless, but hang in there with me. Right after the section about Suicide, which I think is vitally important, things start looking up.
There is a range of suicide risk “levels” I’ve learned, from moderate to severe to extreme.
Moderate: Passive Suicidal Ideation is when you wish you’d go to sleep and not wake up. You may think often about how you’d rather not be alive, but you don’t have plans to take your life.
Severe: Active Suicidal Ideation is when you’re preoccupied with the idea of suicide and regularly think about how you would do it, perhaps play it out in your mind, and think about how life would be if you no longer existed.
Extreme: You have a plan and intend to use it when the time is right.
I personally think it’s important to identify where we are on that spectrum. When we’re self-aware I truly believe we still have the ability to make choices based on our self-assessment.
Although it happens, it’s rare to be totally, completely out of our minds with anxiety, depression, anger – to the point we can’t even think straight, and all we can do is act on impulse. We may feel close – we may feel frozen with fear, but there’s still enough going on upstairs to choose one of the coping mechanisms below.
The next time you feel this way, either emotionally dysregulated and/or suicidal, there are a few things you can do. I’m not a mental health professional, but these are some things that have helped me. I’ve only once been in the “extreme” category, but have been in the moderate to severe range more times than I’d like to admit. (That’s what prompted this blog btw).
Fast Acting Coping Mechanisms:
- Remember that you are having a normal response to feeling overwhelmed based on the tools (or lack thereof) you’ve acquired. Do not judge yourself. (That only heaps shame on top of the pile of other negative feelings you’re having), and remember, NOTHING lasts forever, including this emotional reaction.
- Physically remove yourself from the situation. Changing locations can help.
- Go for a walk outside if you can. Feel the earth under your feet.
- Use the Grounding Techniques I mentioned above. Focus on the present. What can you see, feel, taste, smell, hear?
- Remind yourself that you’re experiencing anxiety and even though you may feel like you’re going to die, anxiety can’t kill you (unless it’s bad enough that you have a heart attack) and it WILL pass.
- Talk to a friend or someone who’s willing to listen. They don’t have to have advice, all they have to do is validate your feelings. Suicidal ideation builds up a lot of pressure. The act of saying out loud, “I wish I could die,” relieves a lot of that built up pressure. When dark, negative things (like mold) are brought to light, they shrivel up and go away.
- Focus on your breathing. Inhale through your nose. Count 1*2*3*4*5 while saying, “In comes peace, love, tranquility, healing.” Hold for 3-5 seconds. Exhale through your mouth. Count. 1*2*3*4*5 while saying, “Out goes negativity, anxiety, anger, despair.” This will align your physical self and mental self, as well as bring you into the present moment.
- Do something to distract yourself. My go-to is listening to something on YouTube – Wayne Dyer especially calms me down. Put this one on speed dial: https://youtu.be/z-GpNmHrS6A
- Cry. Don’t hold it in, you’ll get a stomach ache. Crying is healing and relieves tension.
- Carry around essential oils! My sister used to do this. Her go-to was lavender and peppermint. When she felt her emotions shifting, she had a tissue sprinkled with these oils readily accessible. She says it really helped.
- Remind yourself that it’s never good to make important decisions out of emotion. Use the Three Day Rule. Give yourself three days in order for your emotions to even out, and then revisit your thoughts, remembering to not judge yourself.
*If you don’t have someone in your life you feel comfortable talking to, call or text the suicide hotline! It’s free and available 24/7. All you have to do is call or text 988 and you’ll be connected to a trained crisis counselor. Don’t be ashamed to do so. It exists because there are many people feeling overwhelmed, just like you!
If you’re interested, here is a website that gives information about suicide risk and helps people make a proactive Safety Plan: https://www2.gov.bc.ca/assets/gov/health/managing-your-health/mental-health-substance-use/child-teen-mental-health/suicide_pip_pg_quick_reference.pdf
6. How can you learn to regulate your emotions?
Hope
When we’re in the middle of an anxiety attack that lasts for weeks, or unrelenting depression; or struggling with addiction, hope may seem like an impossible illusion. At the root of ALL of it, is our inability to see our own self-worth. Healing from our specific type of past doesn’t happen overnight. It happens in baby steps, often two steps forward, one step back. It’s impossible to go from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs, so, like Abraham Hicks says, we must find the strength to reach just the tiniest “better feeling thought.”
Journal
I have my personal journal as well as this blog. These articles are written for my own benefit as much as they are written to share. Researching helps me to understand what’s going on with me. Writing helps me to process. My sister and my daughter both journal; my sister writes poetry and adds sketches that help express her feelings more accurately than words can.
Be Proactive and Reach for the Next Best Feeling Thought
Be PROactive rather than REactive. It’s a lot easier to head things off than to deal with them after they happen. Know your triggers. For now, avoid people, places and things that trigger you. This requires planning ahead and taking things slow, adjusting along the way. Even still, this isn’t a cure, it’s a coping mechanism. Sometimes triggers come at us unexpectedly no matter how much planning we do.
When they do, they throw us into a state of mind that sometimes takes days or weeks to shake off. Abraham Hicks says it’s impossible to jump all the way from despair to elation. Sometimes all we can do is reach for the next best feeling thought. For example, when we’re deeply sad, sometimes anger feels better. Frustration feels better than anger. Irritation feels better than frustration. It also helps to have a prepared response ready for when triggers do pop up.
Listen to Abraham Hicks here: Better Feeling Thoughts | Abraham Hicks
Belief
Belief in a higher power can be very powerful. I’m not suggesting pretending you believe, or trying to believe in something you don’t. That won’t work! I’m not even suggesting you start going to church. I grew up Catholic and was always amazed at people who could believe in God 100%, and so wanted to have that level of belief, but for some reason I just couldn’t. It didn’t all add up to me, and I had too many questions. I think just assigning a name, like “God,” to an all knowing, infinitely energetic entity, puts it in a box, which, in my mind, limits its power.
Later in life, after reading several books and listening to literally hundreds of podcasts, at least one a day every day, by people like Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Bob Proctor, Joe Dispenza, and especially Abraham Hicks and Wayne Dyer, (who are more spiritual than religious), my faith grew. A lot.
I finally knew for certain, without a doubt, that something was out there – a higher power – that wants only good. This is validated by my feelings more than anything; an array of assorted positive feelings and emotions. And there are signs as well. When I’m in nature, its exquisite, unduplicatable beauty gives me a feeling of awe and wonder. Rain storms and thunderstorms give me a sense of peace, maybe because I know they won’t last forever. The innocence and awkwardness of baby animals makes me smile. New life, full of trust and hope. And when I feel there is nothing in the world I can count on, I look up at the moon, or at the vast, powerful ocean, the cheerful ever-flowing river, and I’m mesmerized. They’re always there. Always. And I’m reminded that there are constants in the world. And there are people, special people who you can tell within an instant are different from most, that have good hearts, and are kind, and genuine. Their goodness shines from the inside out, and is almost tangible. They give me hope.
My sister uses the 1st 5 app, the YouVersion app, and listens to worship music because it’s the “safest,” and least triggering to her.
Control
Another benefit of believing in a higher power is the relinquishing of control. Because of the situation in which we were born and because we were helpless and voiceless, it’s no wonder we try to control everything we can! “Try,” being the key word. We can control what and how much we eat and drink. We can control who we spend our time with, where we go, what we do, whether or not we get out of bed in the morning. But controlling everything is impossible, and exhausting. Raise your hand if you have OCD tendencies! Borderline eating disorder maybe? This is our way of controlling what we can!
There are and always will be things that are out of our control. We can’t dictate how our boss acts, whether there’s a long line at the grocery store, what other people think is right, wrong or amusing. We WISH we could, because it would make life so much easier for us if everyone would just act the way we wanted them to. But that’s not realistic. We can’t always choose what comes into our lives, but we CAN choose (or learn how to choose) how to react. We must BELIEVE that there’s a force much more powerful and intelligent than us, that created the world in perfect balance, and that everything is happening FOR us, not TO us, to help us become the people we were meant to be. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
We can’t learn and fully comprehend what it’s like to grow up with abusive and neglectful parents by reading about it. We have to experience it. Like Abraham Hicks says, “Words don’t teach. Experiences teach.” Had I not had the life I’ve lived, I wouldn’t be able to relate to you. Wouldn’t you agree that it’s a lot easier to hear suggestions from someone who’s “been there,”? It’s my joy and pleasure to share and hopefully help in any way possible.
I highly recommend reading Wayne Dyer’s book, “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” Or you can listen to the whole book on YouTube here! CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS CHANGE YOUR LIFE, Living with the wisdom of the Dao Dr Wayne Dyer
If you’d rather listen to the summary first, click here: Lecture by WAYNE DYER – “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, Living The Wisdom Of The Tao”
I like to listen with my headphones while taking a walk, when I can, and soaking in nature.
Proof
When we surround ourselves with goodness, and immerse ourselves in goodness, good things start to happen. The tiniest positive result can affirm this and makes way for bigger and better things to happen! After five years of focusing on spiritual ideas, practicing positive affirmations, listening to helpful audiobooks and podcasts, and having increasingly significant successes, I began to realize that what I’m doing is working. I’ve come to understand that I was created on purpose. You were too. We had to have been because statistically the chances of us existing are almost zero!
This realization led to a confidence I’d never experienced before. I was able to face challenges with less anxiety, remembering that everything is happening FOR me and not TO me. I became ok with making mistakes. As long as I kept moving forward, everything would work out one way or another in the end. AND I was able to not only start feeling emotions, but being able to regulate them fairly well.
Stumbling Blocks
Stumbling blocks are inevitable. Remember the mention of two steps forward, one step back? In my experience, that has not stopped happening, no matter how much progress I make. I’ll think I’m completely healed and then BAM….I’m hit with something that completely derails me. The thing is that now that I’ve had to get myself together more than a few times, I recognize what’s happening and I’m able to snap out of it more easily. Not “easily.” MORE easily.
My life was going better than ever for about three years. I was single, self-sufficient, and successful. I was a homeowner. I had friends and was involved in the community. After a while, though, I got lonely. If you know my story, you know that not only my mother, but my ex-husband were both covert narcissists. So the thought of entering a relationship after FINALLY ridding my life of all toxic people felt pretty scary, if not stupid. But with my new-found skills I was confident I could do it.
I met the most wonderful man in the world, and I was elated. At the same time I was waiting for the other shoe to drop as it always had, and started experiencing doubts, anxiety and triggers.
While being single, it was easy to control – key word “control,” who I associated with and what words were being said around me, what I watched on TV, my environment. It was easy to avoid triggers. I had a decision to make. Would I live in a bubble for the rest of my life, or face these triggers head on and heal from them like I did the previous three years. I’d done it once. It made sense that I could do it again.
This is a story for another time, but suffice it to say I decided to go for it. I’ll write a whole blog about dating after narcissistic abuse. For now, just know that my triggers are (present tense) based on fear of abandonment and fear of not being enough; good enough, pretty enough, normal enough. Gabby Bernstein’s journaling exercises in her book, “Happy Days,” helped me to realize my patterns.
This is based on subconscious beliefs and codependency. More on that in the next blog!
Therapy
Geez, do you ever get tired of people saying you need therapy?! I’ve been to 6 or 7 different counselors over the course of about 40 years and I’m still having issues off and on. However…….I have to admit that every counselor I went to helped me through the next phase of my life. Each therapist was different in their approach, and there are different types of therapies.
The most commonly recommended and (supposedly) effective treatment for Emotional Dysregulation is a form of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) called DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). DBT is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy in which patients are taught skills and strategies for managing emotions, handling conflict, and building tolerance for uncomfortable feelings. There are pros and cons.
Therapy can be expensive though, and risky in the sense that you have to try several before you find a good fit. In my experience, talk therapy is definitely helpful. I compare it to being sick. Think of a person being infected with something, and as the bacteria keep multiplying they become aware that something isn’t right. Antibiotics help to kill the illness. Sometimes vomiting up all the vile matter makes them feel better. But they’re still left weak and recovering. It takes a while to rehabilitate. Awareness of the issue comes first. Talk (vomiting) Therapy (antibiotics). Spiritual and Personal growth = rehabilitation, wellness, complete healing.
7. How can you live with and support someone with Emotional Dysregulation?
If you have a friend, family member or partner that struggles with Emotional Dysregulation, please know that it’s not their fault. Nobody would choose to feel paralyzed with fear and defenseless against their own emotions. And while you absolutely have to look out for #1, also know that there are very effective ways you can help your loved one.
- Patience is key. Listen when the timing is right for you. When you possess patience.
- Seek for understanding – be a listening ear. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers, or any answers. Just letting someone verbalize what’s going on inside brings it to the light and helps the person to de-escalate.
- Give a hug. Hugs from people we love and trust are proven to increase levels of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and helps lessen stress.
- Reassurance. Let your person know that you understand why they’re reacting the way they are and that it’s a normal response for people who have been through trauma. Let them know that you’re not going to leave them.
- Ask them what would be most helpful for them. If they can’t answer, ask specifically, “Would you like to go for a walk?” “Would you like some alone time?” Sometimes they’re so frozen they can’t think for themselves and need suggestions.
- Understand. Learn about emotional dysregulation. If you’re the one struggling, share this article with your support person/people.
I sincerely hope this article has been helpful. Please feel free to comment below or find me on Facebook and feel free to message me privately. Let me know if there are questions you still have, or tell me about strategies that have worked for you!
Wishing you peace, love, joy, hope and healing!
- Flying Monkeys, Smear Campaigns, and the Narcissistic Dance
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- Happy….errr….Crappy Holidays!
- Is There a Narcissist in My Life?
- Love Bombing
- My Story and My Mission
- Narcissistic Partners. Why Do We Stay?
- Narcissists Make You Sick. Literally!
- The Grip of the Narcissist: Do We Want to Be Freed?
- Welcome to Crazy Town! The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Explained
The Narc Narc 
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