Welcome to Crazy Town! The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Explained

How a Narcissist’s Cycle Can Make Us Crazy

The response I got from my first article, “Is There a Narcissist in My Life,” was overwhelming and heart-breaking. So many individuals are suffering the aftermath of abuse. People were reaching out left and right, most of them via private message knowing that if they commented publicly and the narcissist in their life were to see it, they would suffer the wrath. Others texted, and some even called. All of them were sharing their own personal stories. I had one conversation that lasted over an hour and a half and had us both in tears.

Over and over again I heard the same things:

I felt so alone; I didn’t think anyone could relate.
If I’d shared with my friends/family, they wouldn’t have believed me. They have an established image of this person.
How could I have been so oblivious? Now I feel like I can’t trust my own judgement.
I thought maybe I was the narcissist.
It felt as though I were going crazy.

For these people to trust me enough to pour their hearts out was an honor and a privilege. It also inspired me to keep on writing, for the victims who realize they’ve been abused, and maybe even more so for the ones who don’t. They’re in the middle of crazy town and don’t understand yet what’s going on.

The first thing I told all of them was, “Please don’t feel embarrassed.” Narcissists are masters at their craft. They know who to target – usually kind, giving, empathetic, caring, smart people – and they are skilled at drawing you in. As a matter of fact, they have a pretty predictable pattern!

The Cycle of the Narcissist

Whether a narcissist is Overt (grandiose, loud) or Covert (fragile, passive aggressive) they follow the same pattern, or series of phases, that they put on “repeat” until we’re discarded. If we’re really lucky, we’ll receive a final discard (yes, I did say lucky):

The Idealization Phase
The Devaluing Phase
The Discard Phase
Hoovering Phase

The Idealization Phase

Before the Idealization Phase even starts, we’ve been targeted. This is important to understand because, in my opinion, it minimizes the feeling of shame we have from being duped and manipulated. The narc sees something they like. In almost all cases they see someone who is in a vulnerable position, is non-confrontational, and who is a pleaser and a giver. They choose someone who sees the best in people because down the line that person will see the best in them, and that’s imperative to their plan. They need a person who won’t question their motives later on. *Remember this when you get to the Devaluation Phase. Many times, they target someone with status or good looks. Often the find someone with money, which, once in a relationship, will become their “responsibility,” (and probably their only responsibility).

On the flip side it’s important, especially for people reading this who are early in the process, the narc is testing us to see how far they can push us and how much crap we’ll take. They do this in subtle ways, pushing our boundaries just a little bit here and there to see if we fit the criteria they’re looking for. So watch out for this. If, in the beginning, you get the hint that something is amiss – if your intuition kicks in and is trying to tell you something – listen!

During the Idealization Phase the narc, who’s already aware of some of our weak points, swoops in and becomes the hero; whether that means they have the answers to our problems, they show us (false) empathy, or they romance us and make us feel special. They act very interested in us and want to know intimate details about our lives, our likes, our dislikes, our fears. It’s our nature to want to feel known, so it feels good to have someone asking us these types of questions. It very quickly creates a sense of trust and a bond. Moving quickly at the beginning of a relationship is a hallmark narcissist move. How lucky are we to have found someone so interested and helpful!

The Devaluation Phase

Now that we’re in total bliss and are happily committed, everything starts to change. Welcome to the Devaluation Phase. All of the compliments, the gifts, the words of encouragement slow down, or in some cases abruptly stop. In their place come subtle, or not so subtle, negative innuendos and critical comments disguised as jokes. I remember my mother actually saying to one of my siblings, “My God, you’re getting fat.” When I whipped my head around and glared at her she said, “I’m only joking.” Statements like that are not jokes. Does this sound familiar? Have you asked your narc partner to pick something up for you at the store since they’re going, and they come back with everything they needed, yet forgot the one thing you asked for?

This stage is full of so many irritating, unsettling, hurtful, confusing conversations and actions it’s impossible to list them all. Here are just a few behaviors you might notice:

impossible to please
circular conversations: we’ll have the same discussions over and over, yet nothing is ever resolved
word salad: They speak in an erratic way so they’re impossible to comprehend. This is usually in response to a question they don’t want to answer.
they have selective forgetfulness – ever ask them to pick something up for you at the store and when they get home your item is the only one forgotten?
guilt trips
seeks attention through either illness or loud, over the top behavior
gaslighting (see my article on gaslighting here https://wp.me/PeddxV-29)
projecting
over-talking (they don’t let us talk. When we try, they talk louder and faster to drown us out)
isolate us from our friends and family
we end up apologizing when they’ve hurt our feelings
they don’t take responsibility for their actions
they manipulate us by making us feel sorry for them
they’re one-uppers; always have to be right. They know everything!

We notice something’s up, but we’re pleasers and fixers, and after all they are our spouse/parent/friend/sibling, so we make excuses for them (they had a bad day, they didn’t mean it, they’ve been under a lot of stress). Then we kick our gifts into high gear and try harder, communicate better, forgive, encourage, give them more attention, console, listen, apologize and concede. But nothing works. They’re constantly unhappy no matter what we do.

Before long we’re exasperated and have run out of ideas, and out of energy. You may have heard the term “energy vampires.” That’s exactly what they are. They drain us of all energy. We spend so much time trying to figure them out and help them, all the while being berated, yelled at, and belittled that we lose our sense of self: self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence. It may feel as if the life has been sucked out of us.

I heard a story analogy called Boiling the Frog. A frog is placed in a pot of warm water and the temperature is turned up a few degrees at a time. Each time the frog adjusts until eventually, he dies. He’s boiled to death and doesn’t even realize what’s happening. If this story makes you sad, you have empathy and you’re probably not a narcissist – in case you have wondered – which we all do because the narcissist projects that on us, making us think we’re the problem.

People have various tolerance thresholds, but eventually we all get to the point where we’re downright depressed. If we even hint about leaving or separating the narc will burst into tears and beg us to stay. They can cry on demand – it’s an art. We can’t bear to hurt their feelings, so we do as they request. And then they’ll love bomb us. They’ll shower us with praise and affection, and buy us gifts, just like they did when we first met. The overts of course go over the top; dozens (plural) of roses, hiring a plane to write “I love you,” in the sky with smoke (yes, that’s a true example). We’ve longed for our partner or parent, friend or loved one, to go back to being the person they were in the beginning! The person they really are. We’re relieved and satisfied for a while, just like the frog, until the devaluation phase starts up again. Sadly, the person we thought we knew never existed. That person is an illusion. That’s hard to hear and we might not want to believe it at first. But deep down we’ve suspected it.

The Discard Phase

After we’ve been round and round, back and forth like a sock being oscillated in the washing machine, being devalued and love bombed over and over again, we’re dizzy, limp, and lifeless. We have nothing more to give. So, the narcissist does the only thing he can do. He discards us and finds someone else. Or, less commonly, we leave them. Simple as that. Or maybe not.

Usually by the time we leave or are discarded, not only has the narc used up all of our natural resources like empathy and compassion, but they’ve also managed to stealthily take our money, property and other things of value. How does this happen? We let them. But again, don’t feel stupid. This was the narcissists plan all along. Remember, they targeted us. They made us feel we could trust them, and they know we don’t like to fight. A divorce lawyer made me feel better by telling me, “Every partnership has delegated responsibilities. His was taking care of the money. He was your husband. You were supposed to be able to trust your husband.”

Here we are, all alone, used and abused. We’re either divorced or waiting to get divorced, or if the narc was a friend or family member, we’ve cut ties. For some of us the hell is over. For others of us who haven’t figured out the person who left us is a narc, or for those of us who know the person is a narc but still love them, we feel rejected. Either way, the person is gone. So we think. We go to therapy or coaching and do the work, and finally start to feel normal again. If we’re brave enough, though many of us aren’t, at least for the first few years, we might even begin to date. Finally, things are looking up, and then, like a mole popping up from a Whack-a- Mole game, SURPRISE, the narcissist is back! WTF??!!

Welcome to stage 4; Hoovering!

The Hoovering Phase

If having to suffer through the Devaluation Phase and being dumped wasn’t torturous enough, our ex-narc comes back the minute we see a glimmer of hope and happiness. This might be the hardest phase of all for some people, especially for those of us who aren’t 100% clear that the person is a narcissist, or for tender hearted people who have a hard time setting boundaries.

Personally, I didn’t experience the hoovering phase, and I think that’s because, even though I hadn’t figured out my ex was a narcissist at this point, I was fed up with sacrificing my needs and wants for someone who didn’t appreciate them. I started saying yes to everything that interested me; singing, modeling, acting, doing live motivational videos on Facebook sharing what I was learning, choosing to spend time with my kids when he put me in the position of having to choose between him and them. At the same time, I was practicing a LOT of personal development, which I’ll share in a separate article. My rediscovery of self is what ultimately gave me the strength to end my relationship.

If you’re old enough, you’ll remember the Hoover vacuum cleaner. Just like a vacuum sucking up dirt from a rug, the narc wants to suck you back into their lives so they can manipulate and control us some more. It isn’t fair for us to be put in this position, but nothing about the way a narcissist works is fair. We have to be strong. Here are a few tips on how you can respond when your ex-narc tries to hoover you!

Be boring. Be bored. Any response, positive or negative, is reinforcement for the narc because they’re getting attention. This is called “gray rocking.” Be as interesting as a rock. Some experts advise making sure you don’t become too good as masking your emotions. Stay close to the positive people in your life – don’t isolate!
Set clear boundaries and don’t budge. This is hard, but think of it as a great opportunity to learn a new skill. You don’t learn by wishing, you learn by practicing!
Expect a rage. Narcissists absolutely HATE being told no. If they don’t get their way, they go bonkers. Know it’s coming. Don’t react.
Recruit reinforcements. This might be difficult, especially with a covert narcissist, because people might have an established positive opinion about the narc in your life. If you can’t find anyone in person, go online and find a support group. Make some friends who can support you virtually.

In Closing

In closing, if no one has told you lately, you are a valuable person worthy of love and respect. Some of the smartest, most talented, successful people have been fooled by narcissists. You’re not alone. Healing, happiness and wholeness are absolutely possible. I believe that 100%, and I believe in YOU.

Feedback

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this article. Does it resonate with you? Can you relate? Do you know of someone who would benefit from reading it? Leave a comment in the comment box below!

Please check out my other articles. I’m adding more every day, so check in often! I hope you find value in them. 🙂

The Narc Narc