The Narc Narc

When reading my story, you might feel as though you’re virtually witnessing a series of unfortunate events, but I promise there is a happy ending!!

I was born in Boston and moved to Florida when I was five. I have one younger sister, and two younger brothers. Our childhood was interesting to say the least. At the time we didn’t know any differently, but I sensed something was off, I just didn’t know to what extent. Although I was a happy child, there were definitely repercussions in the form of physical symptoms, an unhealthy self-image, and several disastrous relationships. On the bright side, those relationships resulted in three beautiful children, and a world of insight and knowledge.

I ran into my friend Dani the other day when she was showing one of my listings. Having not seen her for the past three years I was excited to catch up with her and hear about what she and her family had been up to. She caught me off guard when she asked, “How is your husband?” Dani didn’t need me to speak; she knew the answer by the look on my face and my hesitance in answer her question, and I could tell she felt badly for asking.

‘It’s ok,” Dani, “I’m glad you asked,” I said. I explained to her that my husband and I had split up a few years ago and meant to give her a synopsis of the story, but so much was built up I verbally vomited all over her.

I’d had concerns about my marriage pretty much since day one but had already been divorced once and didn’t want to go through it again, so I did my best to make things work. However, he’d been exhibiting very strange, seemingly unrelated behaviors for over ten years, and at this point my self-confidence, self-worth, and sense of self were pretty much nonexistent; it literally felt as though the life had been sucked out of me.

In addition, I’d been very sick over the past several years, diagnosed with tumors, one so large I had to basically be cut in half to have it removed, back issues, and an immune deficiency disease that required weekly plasma infusions and resulted in me having to quit my teaching career.

I reached the point at which I could not live with my husband anymore. His behavior had become so bizarre. He was in charge of the finances, and I was in charge of everything else, all the house chores, the laundry, the yard. He had his own bowl and spoon which he used for every meal – they were the only dishes he washed (except once or twice when we had company over). He did his own laundry separately. He didn’t feel he should have to help with the house when it wasn’t him that was messing it up. He had no relationship with my kids yet expected them to obey all of his requests. He was always mopey; nothing made him happy. We hardly ever did anything as a family; he would either say, “Just go without me,” or if I pleaded enough, he would participate, but cause such a fuss that it would make our time together unbearable.

In addition, he became jealous and accused people (friends) of flirting with me, and “even though he wanted all my hopes and dreams to come true,” he was afraid of me becoming successful, saying, “I just don’t think I want that in our marriage.” Also, I noticed in him a pattern; he continually thought he had terminal or very serious diseases. First it was ALS, then he thought he had colon cancer, then MS, and finally heart issues. He seemed to truly believe he had these illnesses even though his doctors reassured him he didn’t. During the entire time I knew him, he once had food poisoning, and once had a cold.

In public, though, he was a completely different person. He was charming and energetic, healthy and outgoing. He was an usher at church, he smiled and laughed, he went on mission trips, he donated money. Everyone thought he was great. We lived in a nice home and had a nice life, but it was all a facade. Our conversations would go in circles, and nothing would ever get resolved. Depending on the day we would either have plenty of money or hardly any money. He’d either be getting his boat painted another color because he “didn’t like yellow,” or we’d have to share a meal because we were struggling. I never had a clear picture of our finances.

As a matter of fact, early on he had encouraged me to invest money with two separate friends, both very trustworthy church members. Nothing to worry about. In the end, all of it was lost (one of the friends actually got arrested and was in jail for 10 years). https://www.sec.gov/litigation/litreleases/2011/lr22019.htm

I finally got the nerve to ask him to move out. A separation might give us room to breathe and figure things out. A few weeks later he cut off my money supply and told me if I needed money to ask him. So, there I was. Stuck. Vulnerable. Dependent on him. No money. No job. I decided I’d rather eat peanut butter and jelly every day of my life than to ask him for anything. Thank God, even though he was bitter about it, he continued to pay for my health insurance. Part of me felt bad about it, but at the same time I wondered, “Does he hate me so much that he wants me to get sick and die from not having my plasma infusions?”

My oldest son was in real estate at the time and doing very well. We had similar personalities, so I jumped right in. I made ZERO dollars in the first five months and was literally on the verge of a having a nervous breakdown, but eventually sold a house. That got the ball rolling. My goal for the first year was to make as much money as I had teaching. I missed that by a small margin.

Not surprisingly we ended up getting divorced. Any alimony that would have been awarded me over the course of the next seven years was deducted from the amount I’d have to pay him for my portion of the house. So contrary to what my friends were hoping for me, I did not receive anything except debt. I’d need to refinance the house in order to put it in my name. And although I was able to continue to live there, my monthly bills now included a mortgage payment, $800/month for health insurance and homeowner’s insurance, in addition to the regulars: car payment, car insurance, electric & water, groceries, my phone, etc.

At that point in my story, I told Dani that I could look at my life in one of two ways depending on perspective. I could have either a sob story (I got diagnosed with an incurable disease, had to quit my job, got divorced, was broke, and almost starved to death while having to start a new career) OR I could have a TRIUMPH story (I valued myself enough to leave a toxic relationship, I started a new career that I love, and through it all I realized I am a capable, independent woman and stronger than I ever knew)!

With tears in her eyes, she hugged me. She told me she’d had her own questions about all of the people I’d mentioned in my story, and she believed everything I’d said. It was so reassuring and validating. Her support was absolutely priceless.

This brings me to my mission.

After my divorce I felt confused, blind-sided, bewildered, and betrayed. In addition, I experienced tremendous guilt for having put my kids in such an unhealthy environment. I had so many questions. My kids told me they’d always seen the red flags but for some reason I hadn’t picked up on them. How could I have been fooled like that? I needed answers. Like many people, I turned first to the internet. In the search bar I typed, “Self-centered, yet plays the martyr,” Try it yourself and see what comes up!  

“Covert Narcissism.” It didn’t seem quite right at first. I mean, he was quirky, but he wasn’t a narcissist. What was a narcissist anyway? I’d heard people using that term to describe ex-partners or self-centered, egotistical, loud obnoxious people. It didn’t fit. What I didn’t know yet was that there are two kinds of narcissists: overt (grandiose, loud) and covert (fragile, passive aggressive)

As I read on it was if scales fell from my eyes. It was incredible how spot on the descriptions were. I mean, he could have been the poster child! I also became sickeningly aware that I had been raised by a covert narcissistic mother, which explained a LOT. No wonder I hadn’t seen the red flags. His behavior seemed familiar to me. In retrospect they were glaringly alike.

Every question answered led to another question. I researched for years reading anything and everything I could about narcissism.  I listened to YouTube videos by psychologists and experts on narcissism.  I joined groups for people who had suffered narcissistic abuse. I asked questions.  I interviewed people. The stories I heard were heartbreaking.

My heart started calling me to share my story. Maybe my lifetime of experience could be condensed and relayed in order to help people like me who have suffered, or are still suffering, from narcissistic abuse. Perhaps there can be a purpose in my pain.

My mission is to bring awareness to what narcissism REALLY is and help people heal.

It wasn’t until I understood that I’d been abused that I could begin to heal. While I researched all things narcissism, including recovery from narcissistic abuse, I continued my personal development journey every single day, and over time began to recover from the abuse and neglect I had endured for practically my whole life.

My self-esteem, my self-confidence, and my self-worth were being restored. My health improved, and I began to crush it in real estate; winning awards and making money!! Today I have a wonderful relationship with my kids, I have great friends, I’m a homeowner, and I’m a financially stable, self-sufficient, confident woman. AND I’m happy to say I’m in a healthy, happy, loving relationship which I never thought would be possible. Full disclosure though – it’s a process, I still work on it every day, and it’s still hard sometimes.

Maybe you’re feeling the way I did; confused, blind-sided, bewildered, and betrayed? Perhaps you’ve lost your confidence or forgotten who you even are?! Could it be possible you’re suffering at the hand of a narcissist person and not even know it?!  This breaks my heart.  💔 

Allow me to help you understand the warning signs, the characteristics, traits and behaviors of narcissists. If you realize you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you might be wondering what in the world you should do. I can help you figure that out too.  I’ll help you take your next steps in getting your self-esteem, your confidence, and your self-worth back. Your life back! 

Imagine being happy again!  Loving yourself again. Feeling confident and fulfilled.  Right now, that may seem impossible, but I’m here to tell you, it’s not!  If I can do it, you can do it! And I’m here to help you every step of the way!  I want to compress my years of experience and knowledge into days so that you can heal faster and not have to suffer the way I did.

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Your Thoughts!

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Read More!

Please check out the articles I’ve written. I’m writing more every day, so check in often. I hope you find them to be of value. 🙂

• Flying Monkeys, Smear Campaigns, and the Narcissistic Dance
• Gaslighting. What is it Anyway?
• Happy….errr….Crappy Holidays!
• Is There a Narcissist in My Life?
• Love Bombing
• My Story and My Mission
• Narcissistic Partners. Why Do We Stay?
• Narcissists Make You Sick. Literally!
• The Grip of the Narcissist: Do We Want to Be Freed?
• Welcome to Crazy Town! The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Explained

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