Narcissists Make You Sick. Literally!

When I was a kid, I remember saying on a regular basis, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” I thought I’d made the phrase up until I heard it on TV one day. Realizing I hadn’t come up with an original phrase was somewhat disappointing. But I could relate! Even at my young pre-pubescent age I knew instantly felt those words. Many a day I had to drag myself out of bed, puffy eyes sealed shut from the allergy induced gunk that had oozed out of my eyes while sleeping and feel my way into the bathroom where I would apply a warm washcloth until it gradually loosened up and I could wipe it away. I’d look in the mirror at my pale white face with swollen nose and purple circles under my enormously puffy eyes and feel sorry for myself, which only added to how physically bad I felt.

In addition to allergies when I was young, I had regular panic attacks and also got a lot of ear infections, canker sores, and recurrent throat infections like strep, tonsilitis and once even uvulitis. I was completely unaware that other kids didn’t get sick as often as I did. There were few occasions that elicited an empathetic response from my mother and being sick was one of them. So, in a way, I didn’t mind being sick because I got to miss school, and my normally physically distant mom would feel my forehead and rub my back which felt really good to me. Sometimes I’d actually look forward to getting sick and wish for it! Illnesses became a normal and regular part of my life. Part of my routine.

Later, in middle school, Junior High as we used to call it, the panic attacks continued, and I started getting odd rashes. Some were prickly rashes in the creases of my inner elbows. I was told it was “heat rash.” That made sense because I lived in Florida, and it was hot most of the time. Then I got a horrifically itchy scaly rash on my neck. It started small and spread across the whole front of my neck like a collar and felt as though it were itching from the inside out. Like some microscopic aliens were embedded in my skin and trying to escape. I scratched until I bled, my skin weeping and crusting. It looked about as bad as you can imagine and was incredibly embarrassing. I noticed classmates looking at me; some with disgust, others with pity. Finally, my mother took me to the doctor, and he said I had “atopic dermatitis,” also known as eczema. Hydrocortisone cream was prescribed, and the rash was gone within two weeks. I couldn’t help being frustrated that I’d dealt with it for so long only to find out that it could have been remedied very quickly. It didn’t come back until I was in my 30’s and at that time, I experienced it on my inner wrists.

In High School I dealt mostly with upper respiratory infections like bronchitis. Although not a physical health issue, I also started struggling with body image issues and stopped eating except for one small meal a day. It was an attempt to control something when I felt otherwise out of control at home. My goal was to stay under 100 pounds, and I weighed myself every day. And deep down I was hoping my mother would take me to the doctor like she threatened to do if I didn’t begin eating. I didn’t, and she never did. It’s my guess that since I was learning ways to control my environment this reduced the panic attack incidences.

When I got a job at the local YMCA where my mother worked, I became interested in fitness. I took aerobics classes, lifted weights, and eventually started running, biking, swimming and training for triathlons. Because of my desire to do well this area, I no longer “wanted” to be sick, so it was frustrating when I was. I shifted my perception and thought of myself as a healthy person who got sick sometimes. The weight issue has remained, and I still struggle with it, but most of the time I care about myself enough to feed my body healthy food, especially now.

Ok, enough about me! Let’s talk about you!

First, let’s fast forward to 2018. That’s when my ex-husband (also a covert narcissist like my mother) walked out the door. During our marriage I had never ending BIZARRE health issues that I’ll tell you about in a minute. But trust me when I say, it all stopped when he left. I used to joke about it. “I haven’t been sick since the day he walked out the door,” all the while waiting on eggshells for the next medical catastrophe. But it never came. I’ve been telling the same joke for almost FIVE YEARS now. I truly have not been sick since he walked out the door – except for having covid in July which I got over very easily.

During my research the thing that kept nagging at me was the recurring statement, “Narcissists are incapable of unconditional love.” Does that mean they’re capable of other kinds of love? How important is it that the love they have is unconditional? After deep diving into it, the answer is a resounding, “Very important.” It’s disturbing to think that narcissists aren’t capable of love, and it sounds somewhat less startling when we add the word “unconditionally” to the phrase because the word “love” is still there, and we desperately want to believe that our parent or partner loves us. However, their love is, key word: conditional, which means they love us as long as we comply, as long as we do what they want. We develop patterns of pleasing, jumping through hoops, setting our own needs and desires aside, squashing down our emotions, etc. The truth is, even though the narcissist is completely self-absorbed, they don’t even love themselves.

Mind/Body Connection; Prepare to Be Shocked!

We’ve all heard of the Mind/Body connection, but personally I’ve never really looked into it until recently. What I found out was SHOCKING. In a Huffington Post article four different mental health professionals went out on a limb to say that an astounding number of their client patients had severe health effects due to narcissistic trauma.

Dr. Karyl McBride, Director of The International Resource Center for the Daughters, Sons, and Partners of Narcissists and author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, says, “There is a clear and disproportionate pattern of physiological fallout among her clients, stemming from narcissist trauma.” She has worked with hundreds of ACoNs (adult children of narcissists) and states, “I’m continuing to be amazed how these people come out of these relationships with narcissists having severe health effects.”
- McBride cited PTSD symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and insomnia; migraines; autoimmune disorders such as chronic fatigue syndrome; addiction; adrenal exhaustion; and heart problems among the population of people she treats. “Bottom line is trauma causes all kinds of physical problems,” she said.
Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Fiona E. Steele has focused for the past 8 years of her 30+ year career exclusively on ACoNs due to the overwhelming demand. She said the majority of her clients are just beginning to realize that they were in a relationship with a narcissist and have experienced abuse. Because we live in a culture where it’s discouraged to say anything bad about our parents, “it’s like these people are coming out of a cult.”
- Steele described the body’s response to years of “being on hyperalert, white-knuckling it.” Common health problems among her clients resulting from disrupted cortisol (stress hormone) levels: autoimmune disorders such as Lupus and Chronic Fatigue, thyroid problems, back pain, irritable bowel, arthritis, depleted adrenals, and complex PTSD symptoms such as anxiety, depression, insomnia, and nightmares.
Regina Collins, a licensed professional counselor based in D.C. described the narcissistic family as one where “everyone is rotating around the narcissist on continual high alert. Consistent high stress levels take a physical toll.” She compared the environment for the body as driving a car with your foot on the gas pedal all the time, or with your feet simultaneously on the gas and the brakes.
- She sees a pattern of extremely high anxiety, insomnia, muscle pain, autoimmune disorders, depression, and disregulation. Chemical disregulation as a result of trauma can lead the sufferer to seek balance through behaviors that can become self-destructive but are meant to self-soothe—behaviors such as substance abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, gambling, and shopping. “They give the brain a shot of dopamine for relief,” she said. “It makes perfect sense from a coping standpoint.”
Psychotherapist Julie Tenenberg, with a practice in Oakland, California, specializes in treating narcissistic trauma. “ALL OF MY PATIENTS WITH A NARCISSISTIC PARENT HAVE HEALTH PROBLEMS,” she said. (emphasis mine). “Growing up in a narcissistic home places stress on the body that threatens our homeostasis—the hypothalamic/pituitary/adrenal (HPA) axis,” Tenenberg explained.
- Tenenberg listed common problems she sees among her clients: autoimmune disorders, hypo- or hyperthyroidism, leaky gut, cardiovascular issues, irritable bowel, and insomnia. “Often they are illnesses that traditional M.D.s don’t pick up or acknowledge,” she pointed out. “That invalidation can reactivate trauma.”

Read the whole article here: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/adult-children-of-narcissists-face-trauma-induced-health_b_58bf7f83e4b0c3276fb77f21

According to the Psychreg article, Five Ways Narcissistic Abuse Affects Your Body and Mind, one of the most common symptoms of narcissistic abuse ins chronic fatigue :
- Narcissistic abuse can also cause physical illnesses such as chronic pain, digestive issues, and headaches. This is because when we are under constant stress, our bodies release cortisol. Cortisol is a hormone that can have a negative impact on our health if it is released at high levels for long periods of time.
- read the whole article here: https://www.psychreg.org/narcissistic-abuse-affects-body-mind/#:~:text=Narcissistic%20abuse%20can%20also%20cause%20physical%20illnesses%20such,at%20high%20levels%20for%20long%20periods%20of%20time.
Other sources believe that more serious ailments, even terminal conditions can be caused by narcissistic abuse such as Parkinson’s (which by the way, my dad has), and cancer and heart disease; all due to unresolved trauma and being in constant “fight or flight.”

“I’m continuing to be amazed how these people come out of these relationships with narcissists having severe health effects.”
Dr. Karyl McBride, Director of The International Resource Center for the Daughters, Sons, and Partners of Narcissists and author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

I don’t know about you, but my mouth was hanging open when I read this! Have you ever had a suspicion about something that was confirmed, and it was mind-blowing? The article tells a story of a woman who received a diagnosis based on medical evidence, testing, and MRI imaging, and who, after removing herself from the relationship she had with her narcissistic mother, went into remission. Incredible! I’ve talked to several people personally who have experienced the same thing. Legitimately physically ill while with a narcissist, and miraculously better once ties are broken.

Do you ever question whether or not you were/are really in a relationship with a narcissist? And even if so, did you really suffer abuse? I know I did, but if you’re like me, you know the truth deep down. We just don’t want to say it out loud because it sounds so mellow dramatic. But sometimes the body, specifically the health of the body, can be a clue. Bob Proctor, one of my favorite online mentors, says that when you’re in a state of unease, it causes disease; dis-ease. It makes a lot of sense.

Mindset is Everything, the Rest of My Story

Today I choose to think of myself as a healthy person with some challenges. I am a healthy person with some challenges. But it took me a lot of time, therapy, self-study, and practice. In the meantime, after high school, my health issues continued, and many, many more were added to the list.

As a child (1965 – 1985)

allergies
recurrent ear infections
recurrent throat infections
recurrent canker sores
severe anxiety and panic attacks starting age 6
nightmares
upper respiratory infections

In my 20s (1985 – 1995)

panic attacks less often
recurrent sinus infections
upper respiratory infections
adult-onset asthma
breast tumor

In my 30s (1995 – 2005)

thyroid nodules – I have the marker for Hashimotos, but so far my TSH is holding strong
breast tumors
skin cancer on forehead; basal cell
ear infection – surprised to have this as an adult
food allergies to 50% of the foods I was tested for
depression

In my 40s & early 50s (2005 – 2018)

2007 pneumonia (twice)
2008 grapefruit sized tumor that engulfed my left adrenal gland – had to be removed via open surgery; 12 inch scar along my rib cage – resulted in partial infarction (death) of spleen, banged up kidney, and ongoing digestion issues
2010 collapse of L5S1 disc resulting in 2 years of excruciating pain
2015 pre-cancer of the colon
2015 diagnosed with Barrett’s esophagus
2015 diagnosed with CVID; Common Variable Immune Deficiency – just like it sounds – immune compromised. No cure. Treatment is weekly subq (under the skin) plasma infusions. 4 needles inserted in my legs while plasma is infused via a pump. Once a week for the rest of my life. (see my YouTube video here: https://youtu.be/SvvDtsN979I
2016 mucus plugs in my lungs due to working in a moldy environment. VERY bad for anyone, worse for people with allergies, a lot worse for people who additionally have asthma, MUCH worse for people who additionally are immune compromised. Truly felt like my body was dying.
Skin cancers. Basal cell under right eye. Basal cell on left calf. Basal cell on right forearm. Basal cell on left triceps area. Squamous cell on left forearm.

Today: EVERYTHING’S UNDER CONTROL & I’M FEELING GREAT!

Like I said, absurd! Who has that many things wrong with them?! And those are only the diagnoses that turned out to be correct! There were also a handful of “You’re suffering with depressions,” and “You have fibromyalgias.” You know, the diagnosis they give you when they can’t figure out what the heck is wrong.

What’s also interesting to me is that the type of tumor I had in my abdomen was called a benign schwannoma. These types of tumors originate on nerve endings. Usually, they form in places where they become visible early on, like under the skin – mine just happened to form in a place where it had the opportunity to get huge. I believe that my nerves were so on edge from the minute I was born that’s what caused it to form in the first place. I have no way of knowing if this is true, but my gut tells me it is (play on words – did you get it?)

Even MORE amazing than having all of those medical issues is that … I truly have not been sick since he walked out the door. Truth! Not that I blame all of this on him alone, it started with my mother. He just perpetuated it.

So, there you have it. Just like they say in Logic class, “Not everyone with health issues has a narcissist in their life, but (just about) everyone who has a narcissist in their life has health issues! Definitely something to think about.

Check out my YouTube video about rare diseases below:

PLEASE TELL ME what you think of this information! I am so curious to know if there are other people out there like me.

Have you been exposed to consistent narcissistic abuse?
For how long?
Do you have health issues; mental health, physical health or otherwise?
Do you believe it could be due to narcissistic abuse?

Thank you for reading this article. I’d love to get your feedback. For a better understanding of other topics related to narcissistic abuse, please read some of my other articles below. Be free * Be happy * Be you!