Narcissistic Partners. Why Do We Stay?

It’s easy to pass judgment on someone who has been or is still in an abusive relationship saying, “Why don’t they just leave,” or “Why did they stay in it so long?” I want to personally thank you for seeking understanding in order to support victims, rather than kicking them down and adding to their shame. To answer your questions, Dr. Ramani, a clinical psychologist specializing in narcissism says it’s because of two things; Cognitive Dissonance and Trauma Bonding.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive: Relating to the mind; thinking, reasoning, remembering
Dissonance: Lack of harmony due to clashing elements

Cognitive dissonance occurs when someone has simultaneous conflicting beliefs.

If you’re not familiar with the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle, read about it here https://wp.me/peddxV-3z before reading on. It’s very important to be aware of this cycle in order to understand how victims process and react.

In a nutshell, the first stage of the cycle is Idealization which lasts roughly three months, and is characterized by the narcissist being overly kind, interested, empathetic, romantic; whatever he/she has assessed the victim needs most, in order to reel them in. The positive attention soon fades, though, when the Devaluation stage begins, and all of the positive attention is replaced by subtle insults, passive aggressive behavior, conflict, dismissiveness, invalidation, manipulation, minimization, lots of entitlement and dysregulated rage.

At first victims will respond by trying to please the abuser, but after a while they grow weary and consciously or unconsciously start distancing themselves out of self-preservation. That’s when Love Bombing begins. The narcissist feels their supply pulling away, so they reach for their bag of tricks and pull out some of the same actions they used during the idealization stage.

The victim, after enduring the narcissists degrading behaviors and trying to understand why the changes have occurred, in addition to languishing over the lack of affection and positive attention they used to receive and have been so desperately trying to return to, the victim welcomes this sudden reversion back to “the way things used to be,” with open arms. They feel relieved, make justifications for why they’ve been treated this way, and relax back into the “real” relationship.

This doesn’t last long, as the devaluation phase comes back into play, and the cycle goes on and on. I’ve interviewed many victims of narcissistic abuse, and they’ve said the same thing. The “highs” become addictive. Cognitive dissonance allows them to endure the lows and live for the highs.

Dr. Ramani believes that when people have been subjected to narcissistic abuse, they develop thinking patterns that affect six elements of their lives.

Mental: Rumination, regret, helplessness, confusion, perfectionism
Interpersonal: Isolation, shame, and loneliness due to feeling no one will believe them and their situation as narcissists put on a different face for the world
Perception and Hyper-Awareness: Walking on eggshells, on edge, difficulties with concentration
Self/Identity: Self-doubt, self-devaluation, decrease in self-esteem
Emotional: Depression, anxiety, apathy, low energy, grief
Physical/Health: Sleep difficulties, muscle tension, headaches, diminished immune function and increased illness due to chronic stress, poor diet, lack of exercise, unhealthy coping such as drugs, alcohol, smoking, spending money, and excessive fatigue

Victims have a varying range of understanding of the situation they’re in. Most know there’s something that’s not quite right but can’t pinpoint it. They feel if they can figure out how to please this person or how to make them happy, everything will “go back to normal.” Others know they’re being treated poorly, but don’t know how to handle it. Either way, to believe that their partner, parent, or sibling is being abusive intentionally is just too hard, so victims make up stories to justify their abuser’s actions. Cognitive dissonance comes in to play. For example, “I know they’ve been yelling at me, but they’ve been going through a lot of stress at work.” Or “She’s my mother, I know she loves me. She wouldn’t abuse me. I must have done something really upsetting.” These justifications make it easier for them to stay in a relationship that they really don’t want to leave, all the while hoping and waiting for the person they once knew to return. Sadly, that person never existed. This action of cognitive dissonance is exponentially worse for people who have been raised by narcissistic parents in a toxic, dysfunctional environment.

…..to believe that their partner, parent, or sibling is being abusive intentionally is just too hard, so victims make up stories to justify their abuser’s actions. Cognitive dissonance comes in to play.

Staying in a relationship with a person who is consistently abusive results in trauma bonding.

Trauma Bonding

According to Verywellhealth.com, Trauma Bonding occurs when a person involved in a toxic or abusive relationship forms a strong bond with, and often idealizes, their abuser. This emotional connection with an abuser is an unconscious way of coping with trauma or abuse. It can be very hard to break, and a feeling of love and longing can continue even after the relationship is over.

That’s a short explanation, but the repercussions are great. Trauma bonding can have long term affects impacting the victim’s choices, decisions, and future relationships with others and with themselves. In general, people who have endured narcissistic abuse have trouble trusting others and even trusting their own judgement. This is especially true when the attachment to the toxic person has continued to the point of trauma bonding.

Sometimes people believe that if physical violence isn’t occurring, then the relationship is not toxic. That perception is incorrect, and also dangerous in that it can cause many people to stay in mentally and emotionally destructive situations. A few signs that you might be in a toxic relationship are:

Lack of mutual support
Ongoing or recurring conflict
One person tries to undermine the other
Disrespect, name-calling, humiliation
Unhealthy competition
Throwing things
One person trying to control the other’s behaviors and relationships
Using apologies and vulnerability as manipulation
One person blaming negative aspects of relationship on the other
Physical, sexual, psychological harm or violence

If you’ve never been in a toxic relationship, this might be hard for you to understand. But be glad you’ve avoided it, because it’s a very challenging situation. And remember, the longer a person stays, the more damage is caused. Therefore, people exiting harmful relationships need all the support they can get! DON’T try to be a counselor. This is a very unique circumstance, and victims need professional guidance. However, DO be a friend. Listen for a pre-determined amount of time, and then do something fun. Create positive experiences!

Here’s one of my own personal stories involving cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding if you care to read it. If you don’t, please feel free to click here and jump to the bottom of the page!

I was raised by a covert narcissistic mother and, as a child, grew up justifying her behaviors, making excuses for her, and feeling bad for her, even though she manipulated me, belittled me, and made me feel I wasn’t good enough. As an adult I never stopped believing that one day she would realize how much pain she’d caused me, apologize, and become like one of those moms I’d seen on TV, the kind of mom my friends had that were nice to them and prayed over them before bed and took them to lunch. Because of this, I didn’t see the red flags when my husband and I were dating. The dynamics of our relationship felt familiar to me. I’ve learned that it’s a very common occurrence to end up in a relationship with a narcissist if you’ve been raised by one.

Even now, with all that I know, I have to admit that there have been times I just wanted my old life back. It was a pretty good life for the most part. Well, more like for the “some” part. There was security in having a husband, a safety net. And I cared deeply for so many members of his family. They lived just an hour south of us, so we visited often. Most times he would go to the pond to fish while the rest of us would sit on the porch, drink wine, and talk, laugh and cry. They weren’t just family, they were my friends. I couldn’t have loved them more if they were my own flesh and blood. Holidays and birthdays were so pleasant, especially in comparison to the ones I spent with my dysfunctional family. When he came back to the house after he was done fishing, he took center stage and became the life of the party, commanding the room and telling endless stories and keeping everyone laughing. He’d play with his nieces, pick them up, hug & tickle them. It was as wonderful as a sappy TV drama.

We had a nice home, dependable jobs, a beach house that we went to every chance we could get, a boat. We belonged to a church, went to bible study groups, and had a community of friends that we hung out with outside of church. As long as we were around other people, I was able to disengage from him and have a great time. In public he was fun and engaging, energetic, gregarious. He was an enthusiastic usher at church and talked to people after service was over. He would go on mission trips, raise the most money, collect the most canned foods, give the biggest donations. Everyone thought he was amazing.

But as soon as we got home, everything was different. He was mopey and depressed, didn’t want to interact with the kids, and would make me choose between spending time with them or with him. He didn’t pitch in with chores. He didn’t feel it was his job to clean up when he wasn’t the one who made the mess. As a matter of fact, he had his own bowl and spoon that he used for every meal, and that’s all he washed. He also did his own laundry, separate from everyone else’s. And he was in charge of the finances. Other than that, he did nothing. He was constantly aggravated that the kids wouldn’t happily obey him. I explained that a one-sided authoritarian situation wasn’t working, and that in order to have balance he needed to develop a relationship with them, spend time with them. Then they’d be happy to comply. His response was, “I know I need to have a relationship with them, but I just don’t think I care enough.” My heart sank.

We almost never did anything as a family except occasionally take the kids to the beach house. Even then, all he’d want to do is fish. He’d get up early in the morning and leave, then come home for lunch, take a nap, and leave again until sundown which is when we’d eat dinner. If I wanted to spend any time with him, I had to be on the boat, which meant the kids were at the beach or at the house alone, so I tried to divide my time.

Though fishing was seemingly his favorite thing to do, he never seemed happy doing it. He was aggravated almost before we even left the dock. The wind was blowing in the wrong direction, or he accidentally left something at the house. I’d stay quiet to avoid getting him even more upset. If I forgot which side of the boat to stand on or in which direction to cast, he’d get aggravated and sneer, “You should know this by now.” And Lord help me when I got a backlash. He’d never let me get it untangled, he’d just grab the pole and tell me he could do it a lot faster, then sit and glare at the knot. Again, I tried to be quiet and still so I didn’t add to the tension.

Sometimes I’d take the safe route and put my pole down completely. I was content to sit on the boat enjoying the fresh air and scenery, especially when we were near an oyster bar. There were lots of little creatures running around – sea horses, sea urchins, hermit crabs and starfish that I enjoyed taking pictures of, but he’d get mad and say, “You don’t catch anything unless your line’s in the water.” I’d try to shrug off my anxiety, do things right. He wanted me to have a good time, he said, and it wouldn’t be a successful trip unless I caught something. I convinced myself that that was reasonable, and that maybe he truly did want me to catch a fish, and if I didn’t it would somehow affect his self-esteem. But then he started having me steer while using the trolling motor and if I veered off the path he’d plotted out in his mind, he’d start swinging his arm out sharply, over and over, pointing in the direction in which I was supposed to be going, with a horrible, irritated look on his face, and I suddenly didn’t care any more about his self-esteem. He was treating me worse than he treated his dog. I told him to take me back & I was never going to fish with him again. And I didn’t.

In stark contrast to how he conducted himself while with his extended family, he wanted nothing to do with mine. I understood that my family dynamic wasn’t the most pleasant considering the fact that my mother was an attention seeker and created drama. However, I believed that part of being married was spending time with family a few times a year, even if it involved putting up with the more challenging members. I did that for him. But he didn’t want to be included in my family functions at all and would literally leave the house when they arrived saying he was “going fishing.” At times I’d convince him to stay because my family was starting to feel he either didn’t like them (which he didn’t) or, at the very least, was rude (which he was). In those cases, he made sure it was obvious he was unhappy. He would be silent and sulk. It was mortifying.

Eventually he started becoming jealous of where I was going, what I was doing, who I was hanging out with & how long I was out. I was always confused about our finances and could never get a straight answer from him when I asked questions. We had many repetitious, long, dramatic talks about the state of our relationship that seemed as though they were on a loop – we said the same things over and over and a resolution was never reached. Witnessing his contradictory behavior patterns and being subjected to his constant demands and passive aggressive jabs, the kids were being tremendously affected, their emotions ranging from sadness to confusion to anger. I was emotionally exhausted, depressed, and sincerely felt as though I were dying.

This is just a brief synopsis of my twelve years with this person, and STILL, I didn’t want to give up. It was my second marriage, and I didn’t want to get divorced again. He was frustrating and weird, but sometimes he could be really great. It was very confusing. I’d been telling myself that if I could just encourage him to pick up a hobby it might put him in a better mood. I reminded him of how lucky he was to have a committed loving wife and step-kids who had welcomed him with open arms and never made him feel like an outsider. I used humor to lighten the mood, cooked wonderful meals, bent over backwards to try to make him happy, but nothing ever did.

One day I hit a wall. I couldn’t do it anymore and asked him to move out. My hope was that time apart would help and that we’d end up making things work, but unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) that didn’t happen. By the time we separated I had been diagnosed with an incurable immune disorder and was giving myself sub-q plasma infusions once a week (to be done for the rest of my life), and I was unemployed as I’d quit my job as an elementary school teacher so I wouldn’t be constantly exposed to germs. There was so much to lose if we split up, and so much to gain if we stayed together.

Inevitably we divorced. It was scary. I hadn’t been alone in a long time and the thought of being responsible for everything; the house, all the bills, insurance, a new job, was terrifying. In the end, though, I learned that I’m much stronger than I ever knew. For the past five years I’ve been on a personal growth journey, taking two steps forward and one step back, so cumulatively I’ve made a lot of progress! If you can relate to any part of this story, I know you can too!

Thank-you for reading!

Please continue to follow me! Soon I’ll be posting articles about steps to healing! Until then, remember that you are here on purpose, you are valuable, and you are loved.

Feedback

Thank you for taking the time to read this article. Please leave a comment below if you feel you got value from it and share it with someone you think might benefit from it! If you’d rather your comments be private, hit the feedback button at the bottom left.

The Narc Narc