Happy….errr….Crappy Holidays!

Holidays with a narcissist are anything but happy. These energy suckers can take an already stressful time of year and turn up the heat before you can hear a chestnut pop!

Seasoned partners of narcissists already know this. As a matter of fact, when I asked some of the people I’ve interviewed to tell me about Thanksgiving or Christmas with their narcissistic partner, the lightning speed in which they reacted, and the expressions on their faces, told me volumes before they even spoke a word. There were sighs, sarcastic psshh sounds coupled with rolling of eyes. Some inhaled as if to speak and then fell silent, just shaking their heads.

What Narcissists Want for Christmas; The Spotlight!

Narcissists, whether it’s the “covert” who longs to be coddled or the “overt” who loves adoration, not only crave, but demand to be the center of attention. This can be a challenge during times when the collective focus is shifted mightily towards a celebration of the year’s blessings or the birth of Christ or Santa Clause. How dare we?! In order to compete with events of such magnitude, they have to amp up their tactics and/or pull new ones out of their bag of tricks!

Narcs can swing the attention back to themselves in a number of ways:

They can be the best holiday celebrator around (for show of course)
They can over-talk, and overtake the conversation at family gatherings
They can be passive aggressive or elicit sympathy from unsuspecting guests

For people just starting relationships who are suspicious they might be dating a narcissist, here’s the good news! Holidays are the perfect time to take notes on how your partner behaves. Their actions can be very telling. Remember the cycle of narcissistic behavior? If you’re not familiar with it, read about it here. https://wp.me/peddxV-3z.

How it Starts & Why it Hurts

In the beginning your new flame is very interested in knowing everything about you. They lead you very quickly into relationship status, and begin love bombing (making you feel like the most important person in the world). Only you don’t know it’s love bombing because you haven’t yet experienced the back and forth pattern of love bombing and devaluation, love bombing and devaluation. At this point, all you can see is that your soulmate is going over and above to make sure your holiday is the best one you’ve ever had. Over the top even!

For example, they might decorate the house and make it the prettiest on the block. They might make cookies with the kids, buy the biggest and best presents, or be the life of the Christmas Party. All of this sounds pretty nice, right?

So how do we know whether they’re really into the holiday spirit, or if they’re just using these events as vehicles to let everyone know how amazing they are? And is it necessarily a bad thing if they’re acting this way even if they don’t mean it, because the seeming positive energy can be contagious!

The best way to figure out if their behavior is sincere is to ask yourself, is this out of character for them? Are they going over the top in just one area, or all over the place? Do they act just as excited when people aren’t around as they do when they are? (This is a big one! Narcissists HAVE to look good to the outside world. Their actions in public do not match their actions behind closed doors. And often their actions do not match their words).

The sad thing is, if we’re in a fairly new relationship it can be very hard to tell because we don’t have enough history to make comparisons. Also, unless we’re trained to look for certain behaviors, we don’t always pick up on them. Why would we have reason to believe such an enthusiastic, fun person is acting as such for selfish purposes?

I say, “sad,” because as blissful as these first holidays are, it’s likely they will not be this way next time around. As a matter of fact, they’ll probably be far from it. And since they set such high expectations the first time around, their 180-degree change in word and deed will be quite confusing and hurtful.

Real World Example

Here’s a personal experience. While dating my ex-husband, his first ever Christmas gift to me was a travel journal with a hand-written note on a torn piece of paper that said, “A trip to anywhere in the world.” Wowee! I’d heard about women having relationships like this in which their boyfriend or husband lavished them with enviable gifts, but I’d never been in one like that. Even though my love language was not ‘gifts,” I felt like I’d hit the jackpot!

However, like other experienced partners of narcissists already know, I found out the hard way that things that seem too good to be true, usually are. At the point in which you’re pinching yourself and asking yourself how you ever got so lucky to have met such a wonderful, thoughtful, and generous person, know that you’re been reeled in, hook, line and sinker. The narcissist has no need to impress you any more because you’ve been caught. You’re in it. You’re invested. You’re convinced you’ve found a winner.

Contrast my first Christmas while dating my ex with my first Christmas with him after we were married. Do you want to take a guess at how it went down? Based on past experience, my expectations had been set. My children were too old to believe in Santa, but too young to drive, so they were unable to get presents for me.

Not that I wanted or needed anything, but I imagined my new husband would probably do with the kids what I had done; take them out shopping to help them choose something, a small token, so that they could enjoy and participate in the act of giving, while I got presents for him as well. I’m a sentimental person, I should add, so this first Christmas together as a family meant a lot to me. Morning came and I was delighted and surprised to see him dress up like Santa in order to entertain the kids. They thought it was funny.

Taking turns, one by one, the kids and their new step-dad started opening gifts, taking time to watch each other as they unwrapped and displayed their treasures. I was as excited as they were at first, but as the loose paper accumulated, and the wrapped gifts dwindled I started wondering if there was anything under the tree for me. In my mind I was saying, “Don’t be selfish, this isn’t about you, it’s about the kids. It’s ok. Don’t show your disappointment. You don’t need anything. You’re not a gift person anyway.” Soon, all the presents had been unwrapped. Not one of them was for me, and no one seemed to notice. I went to the kitchen, got a trash bag, and started collecting all the torn wrapping paper, trying unsuccessfully to conceal the tears leaking out of my eyes.

“What’s wrong?!” I heard him say. How could I reply without sounding selfish? “Well, I guess I’m just sad that nobody thought to get me a gift,” I heard come out of my mouth. “I thought we decided not to give each other gifts,” he responded so confidently that it made me question my memory. “I don’t remember saying that, but maybe we did,” I resigned.

And there you have it! A perfect real world example of Love Bombing, and Gas-Lighting! He’d lifted me up so I could crash to the ground, and made me question my own thoughts. Classic!

The New Normal

After that, holidays were all about sulking, dodging gatherings so that I had to make up excuses to my family as to where he was and what he was doing. If he happened to attend he made it unavoidably clear that he was not happy to be there. He’d make me choose between him and my kids when it came to holiday activities like ice skating or movies. And until recently, within the past four years of studying narcissistic behavior, I could not figure out for the life of me WHY he acted this way. Was it seasonal depression? Stress? Did he grow up in a family that hated holidays? Bad past experience maybe? I had no idea then. But now I know.

I’ve also learned that it’s possible for narcissists to switch back and forth between acting covertly and overtly. My ex was primarily a covert narcissist, so his usual tactics were passive aggression, manipulation, triangulation, isolation, and playing the victim.

However, when he was around his own family he was completely different. His behavior was consistent with a covert narcissist. (Remember, both types want the same thing; for the attention to be all on them. They just go about getting it in different ways). At his family events he was the loud one – the story teller. He used a lot of hand gestures and body language. No one could add to the story or comment or he would raise his voice to drown them out (over-talking). He would name drop and know all the answers to all the questions. Sound familiar?

Keep in mind, just because a person wants to be the center of attention doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist. However all narcissists need to be the center of attention.

There are several reasons narcissists ruin the holidays, including the following:

They lack empathy. There is no joy in giving. It’s a waste of time and money. If it’s not about them, it doesn’t matter. It’s of no consequence to them if they don’t show up for their kids.
Good attention or bad attention, they want it. They try to make you feel responsibility for their happiness and have you jumping through hoops trying to do so.
They use the holiday season to gain sympathy, telling stories of sad past Christmases, etc.
They start arguments and/or break up with you because they get jealous if anything but them brings you joy. THey don’t like to share. So, if you’re arguing, at least some of your brain space is being used for them.
Hoovering! I didn’t mention this earlier, but it’s part of the Narcissistic Cycle. After they discard you, occasionally they’ll try to “hoover” you back in – suck you back in like an old Hoover vacuum. It’s the holidays, so beware of communication from your ex.

So how do you handle narcissists during the holidays?

Here are a few tips from CNN.com:

DON’T FIGHT BACK. Think about it. Arguing gives them attention. Negative attention is still attention. Just nod, then move on.

You can’t choose your family members, so it’s best to listen politely, then excuse yourself and join another conversation. But a friend? “You might want to look for different friends who take an interest in you, too.”
Joseph Burgo, PhD

REMEMBER THIS ONE WORD: “Interesting.” Narcissists have fragile egos and will project their negative images of themselves onto you in the form of insults. In case you’re caught off guard by their back-handed or direct comments, have this one word memorized and ready to go: “Interesting.” Say it, then move on. The best response you can give a narcissist is NO RESPONSE.
PLAY THE OPPOSITE ROLE: If they say something negative about someone else, say something positive about that person. Ex: N: “Look at her dress, it’s hideous.” You: “She’s so good at her job.”
STROKE THEIR EGO: (I’m quoting this, not necessarily suggesting it. It goes against my grain, but it makes sense). Narcissists have a way of holding on to grudges. Rather than get into a debate, or getting sucked in, change the subject to something about them. Ask about their job, or something important to them. This can come in handy when you’re in a situation in which you really need to keep the peace.
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF: (I like this one). When unsolicited advice comes your way, for example about your love life, your kids, etc. say kindly, “Thank you for sharing the way you’d handle it. I have ways of handling my own life,” and leave it at that. Never share personal info with a narcissist because they WILL use it against you when at all possible.

In Summary

Have realistic expectations. Hopefully this article helps with that.
You can’t manage the narcissist, but you can manage yourself. Decide on boundaries in advance and stick to them.
Do not engage.

I hope you found this information to be helpful. I’d love to hear about your experiences with narcissists during the holidays! It would also be wonderful for you to share your tips on how to keep holidays as enjoyable as possible in spite of a narcissistic presence.

To read full referenced articles click here:

To read the full articles, click here: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/why-do-narcissists-always-ruin-the-holidays

https://fairytaleshadows.com/how-narcissists-ruin-holidays-its-not-your-imagination/

Health:https://www.cnn.com/2016/11/21/health/narcissist-holidays/index.html

Cheers, and HAPPY Holidays!

For more information on Narcissism please check out my other articles!