You’ve heard about it, but what does it mean? Read on to understand WHAT gaslighting is and WHY it’s used, WHERE it originated and HOW to avoid someone gaslighting you!
WHAT IS IT, AND WHY IS IT USED?
The following definition was taken from Medical News Today, “What is Gaslighting,” as well as personal experience.
Gas-lighting: A form of psychological abuse/manipulation/control, often used by those with NPD in order to make their victims question their own sanity, mental health, or perception of reality. Victims may become confused and anxious, and feel they cannot trust themselves, which increases their dependency on the abuser. They rely on the abuser to make decisions and recall memories. They may feel they cannot leave their abuser.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, gaslighting can take several forms. In these examples, “N” represents the narcissist. “V” represents their victim.
- Countering: When V’s memory is questioned.
- N: “You know what a bad memory you have.”
- My ex used this all the time. I’m the one who gave him the ammunition when I once told him I have a bad memory. Never reveal your weaknesses!
- Withholding: When N acts as if they don’t understand, or they refuse to listen.
- N: “You’re not making sense. What are you talking about?”
- Trivializing: Minimizing V’s feelings.
- N: “You’re too sensitive.”
- Denial: The N doesn’t take responsibility for their own actions. They may say they don’t remember or deny it.
- N: “I didn’t say that.”
- Personal example: “I did try to change the password on that email account, but I thought it was mine.”
- Diverting: The N shifts the focus of the conversation and questions someone’s credibility.
- N: “You can’t believe everything you read on the internet. That’s not real.”
- Personal example: “You could ask 100 people and they’d all tell you that……. (you are wrong).
- Stereotyping: Someone may use negative stereotypes; gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, nationality, to gaslight them.
- N: “You’re a woman. No one will believe your accusations of abuse.”
Here are a few examples that I personally experienced with my ex. See if you can relate!
Personal Example #1: I got a notification on my computer asking, “Was this you?” Apparently, someone had tried to change the password to my email account. I replied “No,” and wondered why I was getting the notification. Then I texted my ex and asked if he had tried to do it. He said he had, “But I thought that was my email account.” For a split second I believed him. He always sounded so convincing! Because I would never try to change someone else’s email password it was hard for me to believe anyone would do so. My knee-jerk was to question myself for doubting him – maybe he had forgotten. I even felt guilty for believing he would do such a thing.
But I snapped out of it quickly when I remembered that my email address was very unique and included a clever play on words, and therefore was easy to remember. Even people who’d emailed me only once told me they remembered it by heart. We’d been together for over 10 years at this point, and he’d emailed me at that address for EIGHT YEARS. There was no way he didn’t know it was NOT his and that it was MINE.
Personal Example #2: I was asked to speak at Bob Heilig’s Impact and Growth Summit. When I told my ex, he said, “Why did they ask you?” This hurt my feelings terribly, put me in the position of having to defend myself. Rather than getting into an argument I went for a run, all the while chanting the mantra, “You are worthy, you are worthy… you are worthy of speaking, what you have to share is valuable, you are worthy of love, you are worthy of people being nice to you, you are worthy of being told the truth, you are worthy of having friends, etc. etc.
When I got home, I told him how hurt I was that he’d said that. His response: “I never said that.” I was flabbergasted. He had absolutely said it. I heard him with my own ears. But he defended himself so vehemently that I started doubting myself. Maybe I hadn’t heard him correctly? Maybe I’d misinterpreted what he meant?
WHERE the term “gaslighting” originate?
The term Gas-lighting comes from the movie “Gaslight,” in which a husband, “Gregory,” tries to drive his wife, Paula, insane to divert her attention away from his criminal activities. First, he isolates her by convincing her to move to London, away from where her deceased aunt raised her, and where she has no friends. They store her aunt’s belongings in the attic. Then some of her personal belongings begin to disappear, and her husband accuses her of taking them even though she has no recollection of doing so. Later she starts hearing footsteps in the middle of the night and notices the gaslights start brightening and dimming for no explainable reason. When she receives attention from other people, her husband becomes jealous and accusatory. Finally, at a party, he tells his wife his watch-chain went missing, then he pulls it out of her handbag, at which point she becomes hysterical in front of all the guests and asks to be taken home. She begins to believe she shouldn’t go out in public. The last straw is when she tells her husband she believes the maid hates her, and he replies that she’s paranoid, and that it’s all in her head, while he secretly flirts with the maid.
In the end we find out that the “Gregory,” is really Sergis Bauer, her aunt’s murderer. He’d targeted Paula in order to obtain the jewel’s her aunt owned. The footsteps Paula her were his when he was in the attic scouring through her aunt’s belongings trying to find the jewels. The gaslights flickered because when he turned the lights on in the attic it drained the power from the lights in the house. “Gregory’s goal is to get his wife institutionalized so that he acquires power of attorney over her, allowing him to continue to search for the jewels.
This plot is so shocking, most people might believe this type of thing happens only in the movies. Sadly, they are wrong. It happens every day at the hands of narcissistic people. They will do whatever it takes to get what they want. I have my own personal story which easily rivals this drama, and I’m sure, if you’re reading this, you’ve experienced similar things as well.
HOW can you keep from getting gaslit? And what to do if you’re currently being gaslit.
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, most likely you’ve been subjected to more tactics than just gaslighting. Depending on the duration and extent of the abuse, you may have lost touch with your own sense of self including your gut feelings or intuition. You might question your own emotions.
Here are a few steps you can take if you suspect someone is gaslighting you:
- Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling without judgement.
- Don’t question whether or not your feelings are legitimate. Your feelings belong to you and they’re important! Besides, you’re already going through enough without adding self-guilt.
- Keep a journal.
- Keep track of what’s going on. Write it down as soon afterward as possible and include what happened and how it made you feel. Sometimes we can get so overwhelmed that we forget details.
- Keeping a journal also helps you to determine whether or not a pattern is occurring.
- Share with a trusted friend.
- Explain what’s going on with a close trusted friend; the kind that tells you the truth whether you want to hear it or not. They can give you their opinion and help you to see things from an outsider’s perspective.
- Get a second opinion.
- If you’ve talked to a dear friend or two and the consensus seems to be that you are indeed the recipient of gaslighting, it might be time to consult a therapist that specializes in narcissistic abuse.
- A good therapist can give you helpful tools to help deal with the situation as well as the person who’s doing the gaslighting.
- Remember how special you are!
- Most of the time narcissists target kind, generous, empathetic people. You were chosen because of your amazing qualities – which in a way sucks! But now that you’re learning how to deal with the narcissist in your life, and understanding some red flags to watch out for, you’re on your way to getting your wonderful life and your identity back!
Feedback:
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this article! Tell me if you’ve ever experienced gaslighting, and feel free to share your experiences! Just click the “Feedback” button below left.
Read More:
Please check out my other articles. I’m adding more every day, so check in often! I hope you find value in them. 🙂
- Flying Monkeys, Smear Campaigns, and the Narcissistic Dance
- Happy….errr….Crappy Holidays!
- Is There a Narcissist in My Life?
- Love Bombing
- My Story and My Mission
- Narcissistic Partners. Why Do We Stay?
- Narcissists Make You Sick. Literally!
- The Grip of the Narcissist: Do We Want to Be Freed?
- Welcome to Crazy Town! The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Explained
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