Flying Monkeys, Smear Campaigns, and the Narcissistic Dance

Flying monkeys are the narcissists’ right hand men/women who help undermine the victim by spreading gossip and lies about the unsuspecting victim and the people most important to the victim. Sometimes they know they’re accomplices, other times they don’t. Unless you’ve done research on narcissism, you’ve likely never heard of the term “Flying Monkeys,” which was adopted from the story, The Wizard of Oz,” in which flying monkeys aid the Wicked Witch of the West. So, who are they, how do they get sucked in, why do they help the narc with his/her dirty work, and why is it important to recognize them?

The recurring theme in all of my blog posts is awareness. I cannot stress enough how important it is for people to be aware of the characteristics, traits and behaviors of narcissistic people. Recognizing them for who they are is our best defense against them. We can only protect ourselves to the extent we’re aware of what we’re dealing with. “Are they really that dangerous?” you might ask. Yes. Yes, they are. If you’d like to know how to better recognize the narcissist and the effects they have on people, read my blog, Is There a Narcissist In My Life.

I interviewed “Jay” who was in a relationship with a narcissist for four years. “I had to text her constantly, even when I was with friends and family, or she would get extremely passive aggressive, paranoid, and accusatory. She would say I wasn’t making time for her and cared more about my friends than her. However, if she and I were together in person I wasn’t allowed to text anybody, or she’d get angry.” In order to avoid conflict, Jay had to appease the NPD (person with narcissistic personality disorder).

Before we address the topic….

First and foremost, you MUST understand that the person you’re dealing with is a narcissist. If you’re not sure, use the checklist in the above blog post to see if the person in question possesses FIVE of the NINE symptoms of narcissism based on the DSM-5. You have to know it and accept it, not just suspect it. This one step can be hard in itself because you don’t WANT to believe it. Who does? What you’re experiencing is called Cognitive Dissonance. You can read all about it in my blog post Narcissistic Partners & Cognitive Dissonance. Why We Stay. Essentially, Cognitive Dissonance is when what you believe about the person, and the behavior they’re exhibiting don’t line up. Their words and actions don’t match. This realization in itself can set your mind and emotions reeling. “How was I fooled?” “Have they always been like this?” “How did I miss the red flags?” “How could this person I loved, who I thought loved me, treat me this way?” “How can I trust people now?” “How can I trust myself?”

The short answer is, don’t be hard on yourself. Narcissists are masters of manipulation. Even the smartest people in the world have been fooled by the narcissist. It’s because people like you and me are sensitive, nice people and we naturally see the best in others. For the most part this is a wonderful trait. However it also means that we’re susceptible to people fooling us and taking advantage of us. It’s the price we pay. That said, there are ways to avoid being duped again, such as learning the ways of the narc and practicing recognizing it.

Second, once you know in your heart that the person in question is indeed a narcissist, it’s important to self-evaluate and understand the impact they’ve had on you. This step is vitally important because it’s the first step in recovery and getting back to the person you really are that most likely has been altered in order to appease the narc. You’ll rediscover what’s important to YOU, what YOU like and dislike. It also helps you to set boundaries which are essential to your mental and emotional health, as well as your physical health, and the preservation of your healthy relationships.

Most times the best approach is no contact if it’s feasible. If not, such as in a divorce situation in which there are children and visitation exchanges must take place, be strong and make sure you lead the way when it comes to any sort of interaction. Stay calm and pleasant if not flat, and above all else, keep conversation to the absolute bare minimum. Stick only to what HAS to be said. Do not offer any information about your life and what’s going on in it. Don’t ask them how they’re doing, and if they ask you, answer simply, “Great.” Don’t add, “Thanks for asking,” because this is an invitation for them to keep doing so and wiggling back into your life. This will totally go against your grain, and you might feel as though you’re being mean, especially if you have in mind the tantrums they threw when you left. But believe me, it is absolutely essential. Remember, they are master manipulators, and they will take anything and everything you say and use it against you.

Lastly, we need to know the Narcissistic Dance.

Step forward: They begin by treating you better than anyone ever has. They’re so interested in everything about you. You feel like you’ve known them forever. There’s a noticeable spark and the relationship moves quickly.

Step back: Once they have you hooked, the subtle manipulation starts. Off hand remarks, gas lighting, lack of empathy, and the need to win or be right begin to emerge.

Step to the side: You take pause. What have you done to cause your person to act this way? You modify your behavior to appease, or you pull away. Remember the situation with Jay. Changing one’s behavior so that your partner doesn’t get angry is not healthy. In a normal relationship there is give and take, compromise. We accept each other for who we are, or if we can’t, we don’t proceed. We are considerate of our partner and avoid saying or doing things that hurt or trigger them, but if we slip, our partner might get their feelings hurt, but they don’t get mad, and we know they won’t – it does not cause us anxiety.

Twirl: The narcissist feels you retract, so they love bomb you; they say what you want to hear to keep you close. This back and forth, good cop-bad cop pattern continues throughout the relationship. You have conversations about concerns that go in circles, nothing ever being resolved. The narc doesn’t get what they want and go into narcissistic rage.

Hanging by a thread: Your relationship is unravelling. Either the narc breaks up or you do. Regardless, you are made out to be the bad guy, and you mostly believe it, although you’re also very confused.

Hoovering

Even more confusing is the fact that after you’ve broken up, the narcissist keeps coming back! They tell you they’re upset that your relationship has ended, that they want to remain friends. They’ve had time to think about it, they know they’ve done wrong, they’ve changed, they’ll never do it again. Maybe things can work out – it will be different this time. They push and push and push until you agree to ________ ( fill in the blank; be friends, go for coffee once in a while, still talk on the phone, etc. etc.) This is called hoovering – like the Hoover vacuum, they’re trying to suck you back in. Sick as it is, through experience they know you’re easily controlled, manipulated, and want to think the best of them. They don’t want to lose that control, so they try to keep one foot in the door to keep it from closing completely, even though most of the time they already have their next victim lined up, just in case.

This is where the road splits and you have to make a difficult choice. If you don’t know at this point that the person you’re dealing with is a narcissist, or if you’re trauma bonded (emotionally bonded with an individual due to a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments) you can easily be sucked back in. You desperately want to believe they’ve changed and that everything they’re saying is true. But beware! If you give in, even just a little, they will do everything they can to make you their puppet once again.

Introducing Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

If you stand your ground, tell them you’re done, and go no contact (which many times is the only way to ever be released of their controlling grip) they will throw an ever-loving fit! Remember, the narcissist doesn’t like to lose. You’ll see narcissistic rage like you’ve never seen it before. At lightning speed, they will switch approaches and tactics until they get what they want. They’ve already tried “nice,” which didn’t work. So, they’ll try being mad, crying, pleading, wailing and gnashing their teeth. Ever heard the term, “Crazier than a sprayed roach?” Great analogy. I have experienced this firsthand. Narcissists can cry on demand, look like their world is collapsing, then put on a straight face in a nanosecond. It’s creepy.

If you’re unaware of this tactic, this behavior might really pull at your heart strings and make you think they are in absolute agony being without you. Again, for people like you and me, people who have real empathy, this can be very emotional. We don’t want people to be sad and upset especially when we believe we’re the cause of it. But we have to remember, what they really want is not us – it’s control. Be strong. Once a little time goes by and you have time to process things and spend most of your time around “normal” people, you’ll look back and realize how insanely ridiculous this adult person has acted.

“The day we broke up,” Jay said, “She was extremely aggressive and verbally abusive, saying that she hated me, that I was extremely selfish, that I was pathetic, that I was the worst thing that ever happened to her, etc. Then two days later, she acted completely different, nice and friendly. She said she might have done some things wrong too, and that she wanted to get back together. It was very creepy and unnerving.

Enter the Flying Monkeys and Smear Campaigns

Leaving a narcissist for good is not easy. As stated above, they seem to never leave, and if you are able to distance yourself from them, they will not like it….at all. This is when smear campaigns and flying monkeys come in. It sounds like a circus, doesn’t it? And in many ways, it is. A smear campaign is when someone tries to discredit you or make you feel like a fraud. They might spread rumors or exaggerate the truth in order to make you look bad. This includes personal attacks on your character and integrity, as well as your choice of friends or companions. Projecting is very common, for example they might say you cheated on them, when in fact they cheated on you. They might say your new friend is manipulating you, when in fact THEY are the one doing the manipulating. The reasons for doing this are to 1. isolate you and make you question yourself. 2. to be proactive in making sure that no one in their circle thinks they are the bad guy. Narcissists have a very fragile ego, and a strong need for people to think highly of them.

According to a narcwise.com article: To get you where it really hurts, they target any person available to them who matters to you. No one and nothing is off limits to the narcissist. This encompasses your family members, all friends both mutual and non-mutual, employer and/or co-workers, and members of communities to which you belong.

WHY DO FLYING MONKEYS SUPPORT THE NARCISSIST?

In my personal experience, some of these flying monkeys seem to be very nice people. It boggles my mind that they’d support the narc let alone even associate with them. “Don’t they understand the kind of person they’re dealing with?” “Why are they allowing themselves to be used like this?” From my research, I’ve found that there are three main reasons.

The need to feel special. Remember that initially you were fooled too. Many of these flying monkeys really are nice people and based on their personality style, they might need someone in their lives who takes charge, a leader. The fact that someone who seems so important, so confident and in control of their lives would choose them to be their friend, makes them feel important.
They love drama. As sad as it may seem, there are people who thrive on drama. They’re drawn to the ups and downs. It’s exciting to them.
They’re narcissists too. It’s so ironic when you think about it. Narcissists deep down feel as though they’re special, and need to socialize with “the cool people.” The two narcs see that they each believe they’re important, and therefore want to hang around with each other. It’s a weird twist.

My ex used to say, “I don’t have any friends.” It bothered me because, number one – he was constantly playing the victim and trying to get me to feel sorry for him, and number two: he did have friends!! Guys who would, at the drop of a hat, do ANYTHING for him. How would they feel if they knew how he felt about them?! I remember one morning his vehicle wouldn’t start. He was going to be late to work, so he called his friend and co-worker. “Hey, I need you to pick me up.” No explanation, no “please,” no “I’d really appreciate it,” or “thank you.” I could hear the guy through the phone say, “No problem! I’ll be right there!” He was eager to help. Later I thanked him for being such a good friend. Currently he works with my ex in their side business. Mind. Boggling.

I have gone no contact, so I truly have no idea if my ex started a smear campaign against me, although my guess would be that he’s either told lies about me, at least to his family, so our divorce doesn’t look bad on him. OR he exaggerates about what a terrible person he is in order to gain sympathy. He did this often in our relationship. I’d share with him something he did that hurt my feelings, and he’d immediately start saying what a horrible person he was. In the end I was consoling HIM, even though he was the one who hurt MY feelings. It was messed up. Either way, it makes it impossible for people to see the real situation, which is that he’s a covert narcissist.

I hope that this article has helped in clarifying what exactly Flying Monkeys are and why they do what they do, as well as explain what smear campaigns are and what their purpose is.

PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT: I’d love to hear about your experiences with Flying Monkeys and smear campaigns if you care to share. As always, feel free to email me and ask questions! I’m finding that many people hesitate to comment because they’re afraid their ex will see their comments and get mad. That’s ok. I appreciate all of the private messages, emails and phone calls!!

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*My blog posts are based on a lifetime of personal experience, interviews, and years of research.