Love Your Body Through Appreciation

Our culture places so much emphasis on physical appearance. I don’t know about you, but I feel constantly bombarded by idealistic images in the media, and feel inadequate on a regular basis. What if we take a step back and look at our bodies through a different lens. What if we look at them as vessels, gifts that we were given to house our souls and spirits while here on Earth? What if we look at all of the things our bodies have been through and have done for us with thankfulness and appreciation?

Body Image Issues

First, we need to look at where all of these feelings of inadequacy stem from. Body image issues are real, and I’m guessing they’re more prevalent than ever now that technology is so widely and easily accessible.. Almost everyone I know talks openly about things they dislike about their bodies. This goes for men as well as women. And it’s no wonder. We see what we’re led to believe are “perfect” bodies everywhere we turn; billboards, magazine ads, pornography, increasingly graphic TV shows and movies, Facebook, Instagram, and even posters at the gym. The people portrayed in media are chosen specifically because of their body features which are often then airbrushed, amplified, accentuated and ultimately broadcasted to the world as if they represented “every man & woman.” This couldn’t be farther from the truth, and cognitively we know it. But we still pressure ourselves to “keep up with the Jones’s (you know….Ken and Barbie Jones). Either that or we GIVE up.

We compare our own bodies to what we THINK the world believes is beautiful, and when we don’t measure up, we feel the need to do something about it. We work out, we undergo plastic surgery, get botox, fillers, and implants. We starve ourselves, or go on the latest fad diet to “cleanse”, “build lean muscle”,” reduce belly fat”. We spend hundreds of dollars on creams, gadgets,and miracle products. We’re obsessed!

Beauty Standards Vary Across the Globe for Women and Men

What’s interesting to me is that all of these standards are self-imposed. Physical beauty is viewed differently from country to country, state to state, and person to person within those countries and states.. From hair, eye color and skin color to eyebrow thickness, eyelash length, nose and lip shape, waist to hip ratio, breast and derriere size, etc to the hundredth power – there is no one ideal look. So who’s right? Yeah, exactly. Check out these articles!

Women’s Attractiveness in Different Countries

Desirable Body Shapes in Different Countries; Women

Men’s Attractiveness in Different Countries

There’s No Such Thing as Perfection

Most of the time, we never achieve all of our goals. We can always find something to dislike about ourselves. Light skinned people want to be darker. Dark skinned people want to be lighter. Thin people want to be more muscular. Large people want to be smaller. Our wishes are endless. And the sad truth is that we’re COMPARING ourselves to highlight reels! You know how people post all their good stuff on social media, and we think they’re living fairytale lives, when if you could see behind closed doors you’d realize it’s not even close? It’s the same with the media. Look around! How many people in real life look like runway models?

Beauty is Subjective

Besides that, we’ve all heard the phrases like, “Beauty is only skin deep,” and “Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.” Have you ever met a person who, at first sight, looks attractive…..until they speak? Or they treat a waitress like a piece of garbage? Or maybe you’ve met someone who doesn’t initially strike you as particularly physically attractive until you get to know them, and because of their amazing personality, they become one of the most beautiful people you know? So WHY do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect? To look perfect? Maybe a better strategy would be to spend our time trying to be a better human? It all goes back to COMPARISON – to the media we’re bombarded with, to each other, to our partner’s exes. I once heard that COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY. I believe it.

COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY

We Can’t Blame JUST the Media; Our Words to Children

Why do we compare? Personally, I think it’s because of the way we feel about ourselves, which stems mostly from how we were raised, along with our experiences thereafter. Even as children we were subconsciously taught that looks are important. People with perfectly good intentions would look at us and say, “What a pretty little girl you are,” or “What a handsome little boy you are.” My kids’ grandparents would tell them, “You were the prettiest girl/most handsome boy in the room.” While their intentions were good, these comments actually set them up for eventual disappointment when they came to the realization that other people in the world DID NOT consider them the best looking. Their words were also an inadvertent slight to their friends.

There was a movement a while ago that suggested we get away from saying things to children about their appearance, and instead compliment their achievements. Make them feel empowered. Have you ever noticed that confident individuals don’t seem to care as much about looks? What are your thoughts on that?

Our Primary Caregivers

How we were treated by our primary caregiver(s) when we were young plays a huge role in how we feel about ourselves in general now. Notice I said treated, and not what we’re told. Remember the statement above about confident people not placing as much importance on appearance? If we were criticized, ignored or abused, we feel poorly about ourselves and consequently we develop a belief that we’re not good enough. It affects our levels of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-love, our life choices. We fear abandonment. We become hypervigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We become pleasers. We do everything and anything we can to earn approval from our moms or dads, trying to be perfect in every way.

This bleeds into all areas of our lives, including how we feel about our appearance. This can absolutely be compounded when our primary caregivers specifically and overtly, or covertly criticize our physical appearance. As we get older we wonder, “If my parents don’t think I’m good enough, how can anyone else? When we have a partner we often fear they’ll leave us for someone who’s better than us in any and every way, including looking better.

My mother used to say, “Well, at least when you meet someone, you’ll know it’s because they think you have a great personality.” Geesh…..thanks, Ma!

Incidentally, if you look up studies regarding what adult (past early 20s) men and women find most attractive in the opposite sex, you might be surprised. In addition to being clean and smelling nice, both men and women list confidence, kindness, generosity, a great smile, and a good sense of humor as qualities they find most attractive!

Moving Forward

I’m no A+ mom, but because of the way I grew up, with all that (above) and more, I made a conscious decision to make sure my children knew without a shadow of doubt how loved, special, unique, talented they were. I emphasized to them that their looks do NOT make them good, bad or better than anyone else. What was more important was how they treated people – with kindness and respect. Even despite that, all three of them at different points in their lives, questioned their appearance and struggled with insecurities. Skin tone, weight, hairline, height, muscle mass, chest hair. It was heartbreaking!

Self Talk

Also heartbreaking – a few years back I was complimenting one of my friends about something. After our conversation I thought to myself, “You know, I’m nicer to other people than I am to myself. The things I say to myself and the names I call myself in my mind are pretty awful.” Can you relate? Right then and there, I decided to try to be as nice to myself as I am to other people. That was HARD because it went against everything I believed about myself. I said positive affirmations every day until eventually I did not look at myself with disgust and self-loathing. (more on that later)

But I still yearned to believe I was pretty. We all want to feel attractive. It’s part of our DNA. But instead of achieving that by focusing on appearance, how about we make a decision to shift the main focus AWAY from what our bodies LOOK like, and TOWARDS what they DO, or have done for us? (And at the same time, perhaps we can slow down long enough to get to know people before we decide whether or not we think they’re “attractive.”)

Therapy Homework

Because I am working through some childhood sexual trauma and still struggle with body image and trust issues, I was recently given homework by my therapist, to be done with my partner. It was supposedly a lesson in appreciating each other’s essences, our souls, spirits, and our bodies in a non-sexual way, and meant to build trust, love, respect and appreciation at a higher level. When I read the directions my heart sank. “Stand face to face with your partner, completely naked.” I felt immediate dread and shame. While I understood how this could break down walls and build trust, I’m a very self conscious, modest, private person. I’m not one to walk around naked. And to focus on specific parts of each others’ bodies seemed rather uncomfortable. (Mortifying if I’m honest).

BUT I am dedicated to healing and growing. So I decided that I would do the homework, but FIRST, before my partner got involved, I needed to look at my own body in a different light. Through a positive lens. I have LOTS of insecurities that I’ve been holding onto for a LONG time. In order to help me accept myself, I decided to create an exercise in which I look at what my body has BEEN THROUGH and what it has DONE for me instead of what it looks like. I chose to be THANKFUL for my body instead of critical. Maybe I could learn to love my body through appreciation. I have to say – I cried. This exercise helped me love my body more than I ever thought possible.

LEARNING TO LOVE YOUR BODY THROUGH APPRECIATION

I challenge you to try it! First make a list of all of the significant things your body has experienced, is experiencing, has done, and is allowing you to do. (See the example below) You can categorize your list any way you’d like; by organ system, body part, head to toe, positive vs negative experiences, chronologically, etc.

Next, stand in front of a mirror, preferably unclothed. This is how you were born – naked as a jaybird. It’s ok to be naked. (Talking to myself here). And as you look at yourself from the top of your head down to the tip of your toes, say OUT LOUD every item on your list. I would suggest doing this more than once – maybe once a week until you feel comfortable with your body. Alter it by looking into your own eyes while making the statements – very powerful.

Note: After you complete this activity, there are a few additional exercises you can do that will enhance your journey towards loving your body through appreciation. So hold on to your list!!

If you have a partner, once you feel comfortable doing this exercise yourself, invite them to join you! Have them make their own list. Stand in front of each other naked, and take turns reading the items on your lists aloud to each other. There’s no way this won’t result in a new, higher level, spiritual (non sexual) appreciation for each other’s bodies.

The List

Start EVERY sentence with the words, “This body…” (Or alternatively name the specific body part you’re referring to)

Make sure the first bullet point is the same as mine; This body is a gift, given to me in order to house my soul and spirit while here on Earth. I am thankful for my body.

Also make sure the last bullet points are the same as mine, …

This body is a gift, given to me in order to house my soul and spirit while here on Earth, and I choose to honor it as such.

It deserves to be appreciated
It is beautiful (strong, healthy, competent – add your own words)
It is worthy of respect
It is worthy of love
I am thankful for my body

As an example, this is my list:

(Don’t feel like you have to read the whole list. It’s just an example)

This body …..

Is a GIFT, given to me in order to house my soul and spirit while here on Earth. I am thankful for my body.

As a child

Was born without a hip socket & wore a cast until age 1 when it was formed
Was moved away from my friends in MA to FL
Experienced ear infections, allergies, throat infections and eczema
Was exposed to inappropriate touch and images
Was used as a tool to walk to the store and buy cigarettes for my mother
Was beaten
Had my waist long hair completely cut off, without my knowledge, consent or desire at the request of my mother
Cared for and protected my younger siblings
Drew and colored pictures
Climbed trees
Rode bikes
Made a fort on the top shelf of the bedroom closet
Laid underneath pine trees and marveled at the beauty of the sky

As a teenager

Was criticized and ridiculed by my parents for being too skinny, having bad skin, being unattractive and being small breasted.
Was chastised for being too skinny by some, and envied by others
Went through periods of starvation in order to gain attention and control, and times of being well nourished and taken care of
Kept its distance from other bodies

As a young adult

Walked, hiked, run, swam, and biked hundreds of miles
Lifted thousands of pounds of weights at the gym
Had times when it was strong and muscular, and times when it was weak
Swam in the warm oceans and walked on soft sand of the Florida coast
Competed in races and triathlons
Appreciated and implemented the gifts of music, singing, and art
Experienced self criticism, self-hatred and self harm

As an adult, partner and single mother

This body experienced the miracle of childbirth. It was stretched beyond what could be thought possible, endured nausea and vomiting, carried several pounds of extra weight, not including the weight of its tenants – 6 lbs 12 oz, and two 8 pound babies
Experienced fourth-degree tears that took months to heal after childbirth
This body’s breasts miraculously produced food for three infants
Has acted as a human shield to protect her children from being harmed
Hugged, encouraged and consoled hundreds of students, family, children and friends
Has enjoyed cooking, baking, gardening
Took care of her grandfather, and was at his bedside when he died
Worked hard to provide for herself and her kids
Has been weary from the demands of life, but has kept going
Has has scars, small and huge, due to multiple surgeries ranging from minor (skin cancers) to moderate (breast tumors) to being cut in half (adrenalectomy/grapefruit sized tumor)
Has witnessed the beauty of nature and has relished in it
Has comforted friends when they needed comforting
Has rescued turtles, birds, cats, dogs, frogs and lizards
Was barely able to walk for two years due to chronic severe back pain; crushed L5S1
Has been poked prodded, x-rayed, scanned, and cut wide open
Has experienced sinus infections, upper respiratory infections, and severe infections such as pneumonia, anaphylactic reactions, asthma, Barrett’s esophagus, precancerous cells of the colon, and the effects of a rare immune deficiency disease
Is stuck with four needles every week and infused with plasma
Needs help with the most basic functions; waking, sleeping, breathing, fighting infection, going to the bathroom, staying emotionally regulated
Has wanted to give up several times
Was at her best friend’s bedside and held her hand while she was dying
Because of modern medicine and self care is strong and healthy
Enjoys hiking, biking, playing
Explores nature
Shows affection

This body is a gift, given to me in order to house my soul and spirit while here on Earth, and I choose to honor it as such. I am thankful for my body.
- My body deserves to be appreciated
- My body is beautiful
- My body is worthy of respect
- My body is worthy of being well cared for
- My body is worthy of love
- I am thankful for my body

What Will This Accomplish?

Several things! By looking at your body and acknowledging all of the things it’s been through, and all of the things it’s done for you, you will acquire a new appreciation for it that has absolutely nothing to do with attractiveness. By being thankful, you’ll start feeling joy when you think about your body, rather than shame and condemnation. You’ll become grateful more for the body you have, and compare less. You’ll begin to love yourself. Your self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth will grow. This can affect your relationships with others including your partner.

ADDITIONAL EXERCISE #1: Conversations With Your Inner Child

Look over your list, and if there is any abuse or neglect involved, add these words which will be directed to Your Younger Self, whatever the age you were at the time of the incident(s).

It will help if you picture your younger self in your mind. Make sure to say these things aloud during the mirror exercise above, whether it’s the first time or a subsequent time.

For example, after writing this bullet point:

“This body”… was exposed to inappropriate touch and images as a child, you can write (speaking to your younger self)

This happened TO you
You should NOT have (seen this, heard this, experienced this)
It was NOT your fault
You are SAFE now

Or after this bullet point

“This body”….cared for and protected my siblings, you can write

This was NOT your responsibility
You were TOO YOUNG to take this on
* or whatever words you know deep down to be true, the fit the experience, and will soothe your younger self

How Does Speaking to Your Inner Child Help?

It might feel kind of unnatural or silly at first. But it can be extremely healing to imagine your younger self and tell that younger self the things he/she NEEDED to hear at the time they experienced a traumatic event. When you bottle these incidents up, never share them, don’t receive support to work through them or worse, you get inappropriate support, it can keep you from healing. You end up dealing with the consequences of trauma; PTSD, shame, guilt, etc. until you confront the situation and process it. You can promote your own healing by telling yourself the words you needed to hear.

ADDITIONAL EXERCISE #2: Positive Affirmations

For every negative bullet point, write a positive affirmation.

For example, after writing this bullet point

“This body”…..has gone through periods of starvation, you can write

My body is a gift and a treasure. It is worthy of being fed. I take responsibility for choosing not to eat. It was a coping mechanism, a cry for attention, a means for control, which no longer serves me. I now choose to nourish my beautiful, wonderful body.

Other examples of positive affirmations are:

My lips are a gift. They allow me to speak, to kiss my children, etc. My lips are beautiful. I am thankful for my lips.
The lines on my face were earned through living life and feeling emotions to the fullest; smiling, laughing, frowning, crying, concentrating. The lines on my face are beautiful. I am thankful for my lines. They symbolize me being alive.
My nose is unique and beautiful. It allows me to smell lovely flowers, freshly baked bread, and newly mowed grass. My nose makes me me. I am thankful for my nose.

I’m sure you’re understanding how to do this, and why it’s important. Don’t underestimate the power of this exercise!!

Remember earlier in the article when I said I made a point to be as nice to myself as I was to other people? I did that by saying positive affirmations, and after a while – it worked! My beliefs about myself changed! (Although I have to be honest and say that I’m more self-confident when I’m single because when I have a partner I tend to compare myself more. This is fear based. Long story for another time).

How do Positive Affirmations work?

It’s fascinating really. We have a filter in our brain called the RAS (Reticular Activating System). It allows only data that we consider important or that supports our beliefs to enter our brains. When I first started saying positive affirmations, I felt as though I was lying to myself. So expect that – it’s normal. Our brains don’t like to be wrong, so they have to either disprove the statement, or find ways to make the statement true. If we say these affirmations long enough, our brains eventually accept them to be true, and our RAS allows only information that supports that belief to enter our brains. All of a sudden you look in the mirror and you see yourself in a positive light!

What Are Your Thoughts?

I hope you find this exercise to be as powerful and helpful as I have. Let me know your thoughts in the comments! I’d especially love to hear from you after you’ve done the exercise!

Remember, as always, you are here on purpose, you are worthy, and you are loved.

I mean that sincerely, and from the bottom of my heart.

The Narc Narc