Based on the name of my blog site, the_narc_narc, and the fact that you found it when searching “narcissistic abuse,” it probably doesn’t come as a shock that I have been the recipient of narcissistic abuse myself. I’ve been exposed to narcissism since the day I said hello to this planet. The effects have been devastating. I’ve worked through most of my trauma; through counseling, coaching, education and lots of personal development. It’s an ongoing process, but I finally feel, at the age of 57, that I’ve got a grip on it.
That said, raising awareness is very important to me because I know first-hand the damage narcissistic abuse can cause, and I know that the longer someone is subjected to it, the more impactful and long lasting the effects. Some people are in relationships with narcissists and don’t even know it, and therefore continue to be unknowingly abused. Some people know they’re in an unhealthy situation, but still don’t put two and two together because they may have never heard the term, “narcissist,” or they don’t know the characteristics well enough to identify their abuser as such; covert narcs are especially hard to identify as they are very sneaky and passive aggressive. Even when people KNOW deep down, they’re in a relationship with a narc, they might not want to let themselves truly believe it, or they might not know what to do next. Most don’t realize the tremendous repercussions the abuse has on them. (Click here to read about the characteristics, traits and behaviors of narcissists: https://wp.me/PeddxV-N)
There’s nothing worse than seeing people suffer and feeling you can do nothing about it – as if your hands are tied. After dealing with my own aftermath and interviewing countless people who’ve been in my shoes, I feel led to do something. For the past four years I’ve researched, studied, interviewed, and compiled information. My goal is to help people understand the traits, characteristics and behaviors of narcissists as well as the impacts on their victims. I’d like to address the process of healing and forming new relationships including romantic ones. It’s not impossible, but at the same time, not as easy as you think. Healing is a process and it’s different for everyone, but it usually involves two steps forward one step back. When you have endured criticism, deceit, betrayal, manipulation, it’s hard to trust anyone including yourself. But I do believe healing is possible!
My first step in sharing what I’ve learned is this blog. In addition, you can find me on social media platforms such as Tik-Tok, Instagram, Facebook under the name the_narc_narc. I intend to start a podcast soon as well under the same title! In addition, I’m currently in the process of getting certified to be a Life Coach specifically in the area of Narcissistic Abuse and Recovery.
Do you want to be free?
This is the burning question. It seems odd to even ask, but you might be surprised at how some might answer it!
Wayne Dyer tells a story of some men who, long ago, were imprisoned within their own village. A wealthy man paid for them to have clean water as the water they were given was polluted, another paid for soft bedding so they wouldn’t have to lay on the hard ground. A third man found the keys to the cells and opened them. The first two men provided comfort, the third freedom.
I equate clean water to being clear about a situation; in our case that means understanding that what we endured was abuse. It was real. It actually happened. The word narcissist is thrown around a lot these days, but it doesn’t mean true narcissists don’t exist. And even if the person who wronged us isn’t a full-blown narc, they are still capable of doing damage when they possess several narcissistic tendencies. It’s only when we have a full understanding of what truly happened that we can begin healing.
I equate soft bedding to the gentleness of a talk therapist. In my case, once I was aware that I was part of a dysfunctional family I sought out counseling. Over the course of two decades, I had several counselors who helped me while life kept happening. Sometimes they were a good fit, sometimes not so much. One in particular was invaluable. He listened to my stories of the past, helped me unpack them, and validated me and my feelings. He compassionately led me to a whole new level of relief.
I equate the keys to the cell to freedom. Talk therapy was absolutely necessary and valuable, and brought me comfort. However, it did not give me freedom. I’d dealt with (most of) my past, however, due to absence of good personal examples, and scattered role models, I didn’t have a clue about how to live in the present or proceed into the future. And because of that I was still repeating the same thought patterns and behaviors, and therefore was still in bondage, getting the same results, and remaining unhappy.
I hadn’t an inkling that not only can freedom be achieved, but we get to CHOOSE whether or not we want it! Which sounds silly. Why would we CHOOSE NOT to be free?! I’ll tell you why. Because it takes time and work! And it can be hard & scary!
What Choosing Freedom Involves
1. Bravery. Any time we make a decision to step into something new, it requires a certain level of courage! You are brave, and stronger than you know!
2. Change! Raise your hand if you like change! Some people do. Many of us don’t. Change means giving things up. Sacrificing. Getting uncomfortable. Forging into the unknown. Learning new things. Admitting that some of our old ways, habits, friends, are not necessarily the best for us. Resisting the undeniable pull of our past life.
3. Belief in a higher power who wants only good for us. Whether we call that higher power God, Allah, the Divine, Source Energy. It doesn’t matter what we call it – it’s whatever image we create in our minds when thinking about that entity. There are two key ideas in this statement; A. “belief”, and B. “wants only good for us”. This can be difficult for several reasons.
A. Belief: Some of us have given up on the belief that God is real. If He was real, then why did he let this happen to me? Why didn’t he save me? Why didn’t he send someone to save me? I was not spared this hardship, so God is not real. (Hmm…think about that. We narc survivors have endured some pretty hard stuff, and that is a fact. Annnnd…. so have some of our friends for varying reasons).
B. Good Intentions: Some of us have been blaming God for so long that it’s virtually impossible to think He has our best interest at heart. The fact is no one on this earth in this life gets a free pass. God’s not a genie who grants our every wish. The good news is that he’s equipped us with what we need to help ourselves – whether that means tapping into our intuition or, when we’re not at the place we can do that yet, consulting a professional who can help us get there.
4. Rewiring our brains. We have to not just have the thought that we’re worthy, valuable, and lovable but the belief that we are worthy, valuable, and lovable. This totally goes against what we’ve been convinced of. It’s not what we’ve been taught by word and action! It’s not what’s been reinforced by circumstances and situations! God bless the people who know their own self-worth because when you don’t it’s a PROCESS to get to that point. Hard, but not impossible. There are many techniques that 100% work in helping us get there including positive affirmations, self-care, and hanging around people that make us feel happy and NOT hanging around those who don’t (don’t feel guilty distancing yourself from people – it’s ok to do what’s best for you – I personally give you permission to stop people pleasing!
5. Believing and trusting again as well as forgiving. Uggghhh! For people like you and me, and I know there are many, this sounds impossible and really scary! We haven’t been able to do this without being burned in so long! Can you imagine what it would feel like to actually be able to confidently believe what someone is telling you? To trust that what they say is true? Or, better yet, to not be affected negatively if it turns out they’re not being truthful? Wow. How liberating! What about forgiveness? You might be thinking, “You mean I’m supposed to give that person who ruined my life a hall pass?” No. Not at all. Actually, forgiveness isn’t even for their benefit. They don’t know, nor do they care, that they’ve “ruined your life.” They’re not the ones with a stomachache, who don’t understand how “normal” relationships work, who can’t sleep at night. Forgiveness is for you. When you let go of anger, hate, hurt – it just feels better. It isn’t saying that what they did was ok. It’s saying that you understand that they’re human and flawed. It’s basically telling yourself, “It’s futile to be angry at a snake for being a snake.” You can’t change them. All you can do is let them, and your stomachache, go.
6. Letting go of the past. Finding emotional freedom does not entail rehashing what happened to us over and over again. As a matter of fact, it involves the complete opposite. We have to let it go. This may feel like we’re saying, “You know what, never mind. I was never really hurt. Nothing ever happened.” But that’s not the case at all. We know the truth! It did happen! But we have the power to not focus on that truth every waking moment. When we let go of victimhood and powerlessness, we’re available to become empowered and make decisions for ourselves that are in our best interest.
I love how Wayne Dyer describes our past. He calls it the wake. {Paraphrased) “It’s like the wake of a boat. It’s the trail that’s left behind. Can the wake drive the boat? No. And neither should our past steer our present.” All thoughts have corresponding emotions. In our situations as recipients of narcissistic abuse, there are many negative emotions that go hand in hand with remembrances of our past. When all we focus on is those memories, and admit it, some of us have them on a loop track that plays over and over, all day long, 24/7, we are literally living in the past. We’re recreating it and all of the feelings that go along with it, every.. single… day. It’s impossible to have a different and better life unless we let that (past) go and become the captain of our boat, pressing forward and steering the ship towards a bright future, enjoying the (present) beauty along the way!
Next Steps
Once you decide you DO want to change, you WANT to be healed, you DESIRE freedom; then what?
1. Don’t Judge Yourself
At this point in the process, it’s very easy to pass judgement on ourselves for many things; not taking action sooner, not knowing what action to even take, being hesitant about moving forward, feeling drawn to our past even though we know it’s unhealthy. We might have feelings of fear or weakness. These are all normal, natural and expected. You’ve been through a lot – don’t add guilt to the list! Take a deep breath * hold it * exhale slowly.
When I was married to a narcissist I was stressed, depressed, oppressed, and miserable. BUT, there was a familiarity to it. I’d grown up with a narcissist and was used to how that worked. Oddly, on a certain level, being with another narcissist brought me a feeling of stability, albeit false stability. It’s what I was used to. It took a LOT to get me to the point of realizing I had to get out of the relationship, and once I did there were many times that I thought that going back would be easier than starting from scratch and learning how to live an emotionally healthy life.
2. Recognize Your Triggers
It’s not difficult to know when you’ve been triggered because it feels horrible. It can be as subtle as feeling annoyed or as brutal as having a full-blown panic attack. It’s a little harder sometimes to identify the actual trigger. When you can, peel back the layers by asking yourself, “Why do I feel this way?” Answer yourself, “Because this _____ happened.” Ask, “What is it about ____ that is uncomfortable to me?” and so on. Many times, we can get pretty close to the source. Other times we might need a counselor to help us figure it out. Regardless, know that those triggers are there for a reason, and do your best to observe them without judging yourself. Tell yourself that at some point in your life, you went through something that – at the time – was traumatic. You buried that experience deep down in your subconscious but every once in a while, something might be done or said, maybe there’s a particular sound or smell, that elicits a response from that deep down subconscious place.
Michael Singer, the author of The Untethered Soul, calls them thorns, and advises us to lean away from them. I call them trouble spots. It’s my opinion that when he refers to “thorns” he must be talking about minor provocations that cause mild irritation, because some of the triggers I have are almost impossible to lean away from, and sometimes it takes days for them to loosen their grip on me. Can you relate? These are the kinds of triggers that develop due to emotional, physical, sexual, and psychological abuse and trauma. The reason I call them trouble spots is because even after working on the five steps above and making tremendous progress, these residual issues may still pop up every now and then, resulting in spiraling downward into a pit of despair. (Speaking from experience here). You might have some of your own trouble spots in mind right now as you’re reading this. It’s almost impossible to resolve these types of issues on our own, and they almost always require specific forms of therapy in order to achieve freedom, such as hypnotherapy, A.R.T. Therapy (not to be confused with Art Therapy i.e., drawing, painting, ceramics, etc.), or EMD. I won’t get into these now, but I encourage you to look them up!
3. Consider Therapy and/or Coaching
You may have heard of Life Coaching. This is becoming more and more popular, and also more recognized as a legitimate, credible avenue for moving forward beyond trauma. While therapists, usually Licensed Mental Health Counselors, Psychiatrists or Psychologists, are “book smart,” and help their clients deal with the past, Life Coaches, many of whom hold a certification, are “street smart,” and focus on helping their clients create the future they desire. Regardless of the type of trauma someone has been through, Life Coaches help empower people, encourage them, teach them mindfulness, and help them set and achieve goals. They help clients create a vision for the life they desire, come up with specific plans to get there, and keep them accountable, cheering them on along the way. Many Niche Coaches are familiar with your specific type of experience and have been through it themselves. Clients appreciate getting direction from someone who has been in their shoes.
*Currently I am in the process of getting my Life Coach Certification in the specific area of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. I have a lifetime of experience. I’ve done years of research. I’ll have a Life Coach Certification. And most certainly I have the desire to help other people
Thank you for reading this article. I hope you found it to be helpful. I’d love to hear your thoughts! Please leave a comment below.
The Narc Narc 
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